Monday, January 31, 2005

Broken Vow ( I know, I know)

What can I do to make you love me
What can i do to make you care
What can I do to make you love me
What can i say to make you feel this
What can I do to make you care
What can i do to get you there
What can I say to make you feel this

What can I do to get you there

There's only so much i can take
There's only so much I can take
And i just got to let go
And I just got to let go
And who knows i might feel better, yeah
And who knows I might feel better, yeah
If i don't try and i don't hope
If I don't try and I don't hope

I broke my vow not to text or call him for a month. One problem comes up and off to the phone I go. I wish he didn't know me so well. I wish we weren't such good friends. I wish he didn't say all that crap. I wish, I wish.

Then I can make believe that it would be so much easier to let go, to move on.

I'll try not to hope.

I extended my vow to two months.


Last thursday, we had our Math 11 midterms. I was convinced I failed so I spent an hour trashing our apartment, then computing my expected grades then planning my life if I indeed failed.

I wasn't praying that I pass. I prayed that God help me accept whatever the result was.

Monday morning 8 am. Moment of truth
Ilia Uy Math 11 B

I couldn't have possibly jumped in the classroom, but if I could, I would have.
I promise to practice math thrice a week.
I hope I keep it.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Dirty ice cream

Kanina, kumain kami sa labas ng pamilya ko. Pagkatapos ay pumunta sa Virra Mall para bumili ng ballpen- YOKA .5, ang tanging ballpen na ginagamit ko- sa National Bookstore. Ngunit, nagsara na nga pala ang Virra Mall. Pumunta naman kami sa Megamall para lang bumili ng ballpen. At sa kasaklapan, walang .5 na YOKA. Kainis! napilitan tuloy akong bumili ng ballpen na hindi ko feel ang sulat. Haay, poor substitute.

Umuwi na kami sa bahay. At aming nadiskubre na wala pala kaming susing dala. Kailangan pa naming balikan ang tatay ko sa Greenhills. At dahil dadaaan na rin lang kami doon, naisipan kong sunduin si **** na kasabay kong umuwi ng Los BaƱos. Pero may problema. Hindi kami kasya lahat sa sasakyan. E ano pa nga ba ang magagawa namin? Lumabas kami ng kapatid kong bunso sa kotse at nag-antay sa may gate ng bahay namin. Nag-init talaga ang ulo ko, literal dahil mainit ang sikat ng araw, alas dos yun ng hapon. Figurative, dahil galit na ako.

May narinig ang kapatid ko na tunog ng bell ng mamang sorbetero. Nilibre ako ng kapatid ko- mangga at avocado ang flavor. Kahit papano nalamigan ang dila ko. Ang sarap talaga ng 'dirty ice cream'. At nung naubos ko na ang apa, dumating na ang kotse at nakapasok na kami sa bahay.


I used to really hate ambiguity. It leaves you hanging in the dark. You're left analyzing every single detail just to find out what's really the deal. And you desperately wish for a certainty, any certainty even if it hurts. It couldn't possibly be more painful than not knowing, right?

Well, I got my wish. Now I'm pretty sure we are just friends and I like it that way. But why do I want to go back to being ambiguous? Because ambiguity is interesting, it's the spice of life. Certainty is pretty boring.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Pick me up when I fall

I am alone. My housemates are out- watching a concert. I don't know why I'm at the internet cafe when I don't have money anymore. Well, whatever. I just watched "In the time of the butterflies", a biopic of the Mirabal sisters who fought against the Dominican Republic's dictator, General Trujillo. It was an aftershock of last night's earthquake. I am reminded once more that though revolutionaries have a lot of passion and strength, it can only get you far enough. When you fall, you need others to help you stand up. As John Lennon said, "I get by with a little help from ny friends" or something to that effect (sorry i don't remember the exact quote). Anyway, I'm glad I have great friends.

When all else fail, would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me
- Same ground Kitche Nadal

Where my hope lies

Great is thy faithfulness, O God, my Father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassios they fail not
As Thou has been didst forever wilt be

I finally saw them for what they really are. I had once thought that they were the 'enlighted ones', that they who question everything see everything in a new perspective. Yes, that they do. But I also see hopelessness. Loneliness. Because they put their hope in this world. In a world that will inevitably perish. Me, I put my hope in God.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Namiss kita

Nagtext sakin ang aking mahal na kapatid. Naayos na raw ang TV namin. Yehey! Nasira ko kasi yung TV nung Christmas vacation, sinaksak ko ng walang transformer. Ang saya ng bakasyon, walang telebisyon. Napilitan akong aliwin ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng pagbabasa at pakikinig ng musika. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong gawin ang mga iyon, namimiss ko lang talaga ang mga pinanonood ko sa TV- lalo na ang Starting Over. Nagtext nga kanina si Mam Amy na nag-graduate na daw sa Starting Over house si Amy. Hay. Paborito ko pa naman yun, di ko man lang nasubaybayan ang improvement niya. Di bale, ayos na nga yung TV, bawi na lang ako.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

I thought.

When I was fifteen, I thought I was old. I thought I knew everything.

"I used to think I had the answers to everything."- I can't believe I'm quoting Britney :D

I thought I had experienced everything worth experiencing and I honestly thought that I was mature enough to be in a relationship- even marriage.

I also thought that my parents were big know-it-alls dictating how I should view life. I though they were condescending. I thought that I was such an intellectual and that my opinion matters- that if you, unfortunately, did not hear it, you missed half your life.

Now, all I know is 'that I know nothing'. Well, not completely nothing, but still nothing.

I also know that I am young, that I still have much to learn and much to see.

I revel in being young, being invincible. I delight in the fact that I still feel that I can take on the world, though I know the feeling will fade with time. I am glad that I am still relatively naive, that I am not yet cynical.

I am young. I have just a few responsibilities, learning included. I have no family to feed. I have all my time to myself.

I am still soft clay, ready to be molded. The people I meet, places I see, stuff I learn will leave permanent imprints. Anne (of Green Gables) said that when you're twenty, your character will be more or less shaped. Well, I'll be twenty in two years and I doubt the molding will stop.

Here I am, my Lord, my Potter. Mold me.

Sa wakas

Hay salamat. May blog na rin si Ilia. Hihi :D I was just searching for the perfect name. Looks like I found one that suits me nicely.