Wednesday, September 28, 2005

i get me

Some people have been complaining about my stagnant posting in my blog. It's not that i'm super busy, but that i don't have much to write about or so i think. For the past few months i have written very little save those needed for academic and Pantas requirements. I don't really know the reason, i may be just lazy. Or probably, i don't think as much as before.

My birthday has come and gone. I'm another year older. But i don't feel any different. If anything, i feel more insignificant because vital people in my life forgot to greet me on my birthday. I'm that forgettable? When i look back on the past 19 years of my life, i'm disheartened because i don't think i have done anything much. It seems to me that i might have passed by unnoticed.

Don't take me wrong, i'm not depressed neither am i suicidal. i'm not in a crisis either, i just feel i should do more, nay, DO more. not to say that 'good works' will get me anywhere. i know the purpose of my life, i'm just too lazy. really.

*I just remembered, i don't write on important occasions. When i read my past journals, there are no entries during my birthdays, Christmas, or special events.

I've also realized something during this month. Last year, some people persuaded me that i was a pessimist, that i was misundertsood and i have few kindred spririts. And i imbibed that attitude, i really believed that people don't get me. I believed i was moody and pessimistic.
But when i got away from their presence and control, i find that i'm not what they have made me believe.

I'm a perky person, i'm crazy, i'm an optimist, i'm cheerful when i want to be, i dont have the typical artist-temperament ( as some people like to project. Earth to you! That kind of temperament does not become anyone) and i have lots of kindred spirits. Yes, i do have my dark moods but they are as easily flushed away like poop in a toilet bowl. Yes, some people don't get me, but do i always get other people?

I don't want to be with people who suck my energy and pull me in their misery. It's one thing to be miserable and depressing, it's another when you contaminate others :) I'm still their friend, i'm there when they need me. But i want space first, space to know myself once more so that when i face them again, i can stand my ground. i won't let them shape me, i won't let them empty me out. That kind of submission i only give to God.

2 Comments:

Blogger ChrisWoznitza said...

Hi I´m Chris. Greatings from Germany Bottrop !!

6:10 PM  
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