Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Don't speak

All-knowing (AK) people annoy me. And there is one just a few meters away from me. He's going on and on about literary criticism and appreciation.

"A good plot is not a standard of whether the book is good. A book can be good even if its plot is not. It's all in the deliverance. For example, Tolkien, Lord of The Rings' story is like hell asteeg, but the deliverance naman, ang boring. Tingnan mo naman ang Harry Potter, ang pangit ng story pero cool ang deliverance, diba?" (semi verbatim)

Offending Act Number 1: Speaking so loudly that I heard your opinions at all. Yeah, I know, I'm harsh pero harsh and sweeping din ang mga sinabi mo.

Offending Act Number 2: The word is 'delivery', dude. Please know your words before you act all wise and cocky.

Offending Act Number 3: Not knowing that a good plot is essential to a good book. Kung hindi maganda ang plot anong panghahawakan mo? Kung hindi maganda ang plot, babasahin pa rin ba yan?

Offending Act Number 4: Even daring to put LOTR and Harry Potter in the same comparison level. Hello? Malayo sila no, wala sa kalingkingan ni Tolkien si Rowling. Their fantasy worlds do not meet at all, ibang iba talaga.

Offending Act Number 5: Calling Tolkien boring. You wouldn't know genius if it slapped you in the face. Nabasa mo ba talaga si Tolkien o baka naman sinukuan mo kasi di mo gets? Kaya mong gumawa ng sariling language mula sa existing language ng mundo natin? Si Tolkien kaya. Buti na lang hindi si CS Lewis ang hiniritan mo or I would have walked over to you and given you a piece of my mind.

Please naman people, when you voice out your opinions please make sure they are valid and they have basis. As mama always tells me, 'little knowledge is dangerous." E kung may die-hard fan pala ni Tolkien ang nakarinig sayo e di kung ano na ang ginawa? haha =P Ingat lang, might as well keep your mouth shut.

Friday, August 11, 2006

"Right to be Wrong"

Yes, this is a series of very whiny posts. It's just that I feel that I don't have a right to fail, a right to screw up. Perhaps there is this invisible rule that eldest daughters, leaders, presidents of orgs and the 'achi ng bayan' cannot, under any possible circumstance, trip and fail and mess up.

I feel that I'm not allowed to fail. That I have to be strong at all times. That all my decisions have to make sense all the time. That I have to respond perfectly to all stimuli and crises. But I fail, I mess up, I make crappy decisions, I'm stupid at times. But somehow there is little margin for error when it comes to me, because people expect better, they expect me to be responsible, dependable, understanding and mature most of the time if not all the time.

It's as if I'm given a role to play - that I have to be the glue that holds everything together. I have to be there for people. Within this 24 hours alone, I've had 3 people who cried on my shoulder. And I've cried with them. I'm there for them. I don't begrudge them that because I love these people. But who's there for me? On whose shoulders can I cry on? It's been a long, long time since I've cried on anybody's shoulder. I feel that I give and give and support and assist. But now, I'm running on empty. I have nothing more to offer because it's all used up.

When I try to come to people and just vent, either they're too busy asking me to help them - they want to talk about their problems instead - or they offer well-intentioned advices and expect me to solve the problem right away. I don't have permission to be weak. I am not allowed to feel bad, to complain or to feel burned out - because they think I'm better, that I should be better and that I should know better.

Yes I have friends, really good and true friends for that matter. But I feel that they all think I don't need help, that I can handle things on my own. Or worse, they think I don't want help. Perhaps that's partly my fault. In the end, I have no one to support me but God and myself. And somehow, I don't think that's right because that's why there are other people. That's why we are part of a unit.

I don't want to be strong anymore. At least not in the way people expect me to be. I want to be weak. I need to be weak. I want to be carefree, bereft of all anxiety. But I can't. Because there's no one there to catch me. There's no one to hold me up. There's no one willing to clean up my mess because I'm not allow to mess up in the first place.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Just Plain Tired

I'm so tired of depending on myself. I'm so tired of being the 'strong' one, being so reliable and dependable. Yeah, it is nice that you are the type people run to in case of emergencies or crucial decisions or even called to lead some project. It's just that I feel that I'm always required to do my best. Who do I run to when I'm so overwhelmed with work?

People I can depend on are very rare. I guess it's because I'm such a perfectionist that I want everything up to my standard. I'd rather do all the work myself than settle for something less. And that's what usually happens. I don't want that anymore. I want someone else to lead, to take the responsibility, to push and order me around - of course, in a reasonable manner.

Take for example a case study we had to do for my management class. One member didn't attend because, according to his text message - this is verbatim - "medyo pagod po kasi ako." Hello? And I'm not tired? Want me to show you tired? I'm the head of a literary org, secretary of a poetry group, editor-in-chief of the class paper, practicumer in a play for my theather practicum and on top of that is my regular school load. But you don't hear me missing meetings because I'm tired.

All I want is to feel that someone has got my back. That there'll be someone to pick up after me if I mess up. I just want some support. I wish people had more initiative, I wish they didn't have to wait for me to spell out everything. Sometimes it does pay to be mediocre - at least you're not that stressed out. Is this some sort of a curse - this need to be excellent, this desire to produce quality work? Oh, I hope not because I can't get it out of my system.

It's been so long that I can hardly remember how it feels to be a participant. Please, somebody else lead. I can be a follower too. Just show me you're worthy and I'll be there to back you up anytime. That's a promise.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Rants and Raves

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit napakataray ng mga taga-photocopy dito sa LB. Siguro hindi nila alam na sa isang business kailangan pag silbihan mo ang customer hindi tratuhing parang kasalanan pa nila na kailangan nila ng serbisyo nyo.

Sorry na lang, mga poor lang ang mga Isko't Iska kaya kailangan naming magpaphotocopy. Kung kaya ba naman naming bumili ng libro bat pa kami pagtitiyaga sa mga pagtataray at pag-iirap nila.

Ang labo talaga nila. Kung wala kami, wala silang kita, wala silang trabaho. Dapat merong mandatory free course on customer relations ang lahat ng taga-photocpy dito sa LB. At baka sa susunod na may magtaray sakin dahil KAILANGAN ko ng readings, di ako makapagpigil at tanungin ko sya ng, "Anong bang problema mo? Di mo pa ba narinig ang 'service with a smile'?"

Oo alam ko, malamang boring ang pag-photocopy buong araw at malamang nakakainit nga naman yun ng ulo. Pero kung may angst kayo sa buhay niyo, wag niyo kong idamay. May angst din naman ako a, dinadamay ko ba kayo? Yah, I know, di ako masyadong galit, nagtimpi lang naman ako for 3 years. At tinarayan lang ako ng lalaki sa Leo's kaninang hapon kaya fresh pa ang incident. Hay, some people.

On a lighter note:

Dahil darating si GMA sa Lb sa tuesday (daw), biglang pinagawa ang maayos namang daanan papuntang campus. (Mag-english na ko, di ko na kaya mag-articulate sa Filipino e) From the campus gate, there are only two routes PUJs can take - Kanluran road or Silangan road.

The usual route is Kanluran Road. The jeepneys pass by Silangan ROad only when they are leaving the camous. So the people who live in Silangan road - like me - can only go in the campus by walking there. Granted it's not that long a walk, but what if it's raining and I don't want to get my pants wet? I have no choice but to walk or take a jeep to go outside campus and take another jeepney to go back in. That would be crazy and wasteful.

Of course you can say that I could move to Kanluran Road. No way. The place is super noisy, there are lots of people, and few trees and I just don't like it period.

But now, because the road is being fixed, the jeepneys are passing through Silangan ROad! Yehey! We're not marginalized anymore. At least until the asphalt dries.