Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Just Plain Tired

I'm so tired of depending on myself. I'm so tired of being the 'strong' one, being so reliable and dependable. Yeah, it is nice that you are the type people run to in case of emergencies or crucial decisions or even called to lead some project. It's just that I feel that I'm always required to do my best. Who do I run to when I'm so overwhelmed with work?

People I can depend on are very rare. I guess it's because I'm such a perfectionist that I want everything up to my standard. I'd rather do all the work myself than settle for something less. And that's what usually happens. I don't want that anymore. I want someone else to lead, to take the responsibility, to push and order me around - of course, in a reasonable manner.

Take for example a case study we had to do for my management class. One member didn't attend because, according to his text message - this is verbatim - "medyo pagod po kasi ako." Hello? And I'm not tired? Want me to show you tired? I'm the head of a literary org, secretary of a poetry group, editor-in-chief of the class paper, practicumer in a play for my theather practicum and on top of that is my regular school load. But you don't hear me missing meetings because I'm tired.

All I want is to feel that someone has got my back. That there'll be someone to pick up after me if I mess up. I just want some support. I wish people had more initiative, I wish they didn't have to wait for me to spell out everything. Sometimes it does pay to be mediocre - at least you're not that stressed out. Is this some sort of a curse - this need to be excellent, this desire to produce quality work? Oh, I hope not because I can't get it out of my system.

It's been so long that I can hardly remember how it feels to be a participant. Please, somebody else lead. I can be a follower too. Just show me you're worthy and I'll be there to back you up anytime. That's a promise.


Blogger MidniteSolitaire said...

hmm..why do I suddenly feel that I just visited a huge part of my memory lane?
dear ilia, unfortunately that is the price to pay for having insatiable standards..in this world the reality of it is we only have ourselves to depend on.. we can ask help from others, but because we have the itch to attain perfection or even just a finger away from it, we take on full lead to make the result more than what is expected of us or of the team.. look on the bright side, for every bone you almost break and for every sweat you take more than the others do, it benefits you more than them...because it only proves that you are more capable, you are more stronger (though you claim you want to be the opposite sometimes) because those are what it takes to survive.. yes, it is very tiring, but in the end you'll see that though everything has a price, still it pays off more than you'd expect.. goodluck to everything! (remember, only HE who gives me strength, right? =) ) Godbless!

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yah, in my heart of hearts I know that's true. But I don't want to be stronger any longer. I want someone else to be strong for me. - Sanyata

11:15 AM  

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