Friday, August 11, 2006

"Right to be Wrong"

Yes, this is a series of very whiny posts. It's just that I feel that I don't have a right to fail, a right to screw up. Perhaps there is this invisible rule that eldest daughters, leaders, presidents of orgs and the 'achi ng bayan' cannot, under any possible circumstance, trip and fail and mess up.

I feel that I'm not allowed to fail. That I have to be strong at all times. That all my decisions have to make sense all the time. That I have to respond perfectly to all stimuli and crises. But I fail, I mess up, I make crappy decisions, I'm stupid at times. But somehow there is little margin for error when it comes to me, because people expect better, they expect me to be responsible, dependable, understanding and mature most of the time if not all the time.

It's as if I'm given a role to play - that I have to be the glue that holds everything together. I have to be there for people. Within this 24 hours alone, I've had 3 people who cried on my shoulder. And I've cried with them. I'm there for them. I don't begrudge them that because I love these people. But who's there for me? On whose shoulders can I cry on? It's been a long, long time since I've cried on anybody's shoulder. I feel that I give and give and support and assist. But now, I'm running on empty. I have nothing more to offer because it's all used up.

When I try to come to people and just vent, either they're too busy asking me to help them - they want to talk about their problems instead - or they offer well-intentioned advices and expect me to solve the problem right away. I don't have permission to be weak. I am not allowed to feel bad, to complain or to feel burned out - because they think I'm better, that I should be better and that I should know better.

Yes I have friends, really good and true friends for that matter. But I feel that they all think I don't need help, that I can handle things on my own. Or worse, they think I don't want help. Perhaps that's partly my fault. In the end, I have no one to support me but God and myself. And somehow, I don't think that's right because that's why there are other people. That's why we are part of a unit.

I don't want to be strong anymore. At least not in the way people expect me to be. I want to be weak. I need to be weak. I want to be carefree, bereft of all anxiety. But I can't. Because there's no one there to catch me. There's no one to hold me up. There's no one willing to clean up my mess because I'm not allow to mess up in the first place.


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