Thursday, December 28, 2006

this too shall pass, i hope

dead tired from the year-end meeting slash retreat. fell asleep while watching Studio 23's Grey's Anatomy 3-episode marathon. Didn't get to watch how the love affair between Christina Yang and Preston Burke blossomed. too tired to eat - even chocolate, my comfort food. so in need of comfort - from food or any other source - but too lazy and numb to do anything but cuddle up in bed and cry. sick of how I see-saw between euphoria and hopeless despair. freaky how just another human being can have this kind of effect. Scary how I allowed it. got to get back composure and peace of mind. have to have the appetite for literature and music to keep sane, because right now, I have no taste for both. just want to lie down, sleep until the feeling passes, until the world feels healed and whole again. trying to believe that this, this is a worthless kind of hoping, stupid expectations - bound to disappoint. but somehow that is no consolation. harnessing strength to believe that God knows what he's doing and what's best, but right at this moment, that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

it's here

It's already cold in Los BaƱos. One of the few signs that Christmas is finally here, however delayed its arrival. But now to leave one home for another. The nest which seems to have been passed over by the transforming powers of festivity. So barren, steel cold. No comfort, no tidings of great joy - just plate crusts colliding, smashing underneath the silent earth.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

when dreams come true

Ok, so Yeng won the title of Grand Star Dreamer. Predictable. It's not that I don't like her, because I do, but I think winning will not be good for her. Yeah right, since when is coming out on top bad for your career? But in her case, I believe it is.

There was something overwhelming about seeing all of them performing in Araneta (on TV). Even if you're just an apathetic viewer, you could see dreams being realized in front of your eyes. I can only imagine what it was like to see thousands of people coming to see them - them who were once nobodies. Asteeg. You can't help but be happy for them.

I read somewhere that if you didn't have any dreams left you might as well die. I guess dreams want to make you see another morning. Makes you want to get out of bed because maybe, just maybe, today will be the day.

I used to think that the ultimate question to find out who you're supposed to be with is "who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?" But somehow that's too easy. I can easily imagine a dozen future lives I'll potentially live. But those are just castles in the air. I don't even know yet what specific kind of life I want to lead let alone who I'll want to spend it with.

Perhaps the more apt question now is: Who do I want standing next to me, sharing my joy and triumph, when my dreams have finally come to pass?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

prodigal daughter

I said that I needed time and space to rebel. The yoke began to feel heavy, like an imposition. But really I had exchanged a feast for a measly piece of stale bread. I thought that the 'exploration' would give me freedom but it only led me to be caught in the trap of foul words, anger and envy, and unnecessary pain and confusion.

So I returned because I didn't want to rebel anymore. Because I didn't see the point, and because life is crappy when it's in my hands. And because I know He's waiting. I found indeed that "better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." And it was more peaceful than anything I've felt for the past few weeks because I knew I was right with Him. Amazingly the yoke isn't heavy at all.

Admittedly, I'll probably rebel some time in the future (probably for totally different reasons) but I'll always come back and I'll always have a place to come back to. And I've learn to take it day by day. Strength to strength until I see Him.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

- From the inside out, Hillsong United

Sunday, December 10, 2006

You know the saying "sleep on it" before making a big decision? In cases of sending desperate and passionate letters, I say, wait a month. Then read it again. If you don't cringe, send it.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

lost significance

Going through my box
of knick-knacks, I see
candy bar wrappers,
play tickets and dried flowers.
I begin to wonder
what occasions, dates or
memories should they evoke
that they were carefully
kept? I honestly
cannot remember.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Surprisingly good surprises and a promise to keep

Kimi is back in Manila, and for good. She's now working here. I was so surprised because she didn't warn me ahead of time. I guess that's what surprises are all about. And I'm estatic. She was welcomed with shrieks and bear hugs. When their family moved away, it sort of signaled the end of an era. But now it seems that the glory days are coming back and I do hope so. As T. said, "it's nice to have again that someone who can speak your language."

Another suprise: M. finally shaved his again after I egged him about it nonstop. Of course, I'm giving the credit to myself. Hehe. Anyway, I'm just so glad to see him clean again.

On a sadder note, it's sad to realize that people you loved and spent a lifetime with have changed so radically you no longer have anything in common with them except a few memories of a time long past. We've drifted apart so much, you now resemble someone I wouldn't even be friends with.

I'm scared of you, I'm scared for you. I do not understand the person you have become. But I love the person that you were, the person that I believe is still there despite the frivolity and superficiality you now seem to possess.

So to whom will I be loyal? To your past, to your present, or to what you may turn out to be? I am loyal to you, I promised you friendship forever. And even if it breaks my heart to see you like this, I still love you and I pray that this is just a phase, that "This too, shall pass."

*bananaducky: I imitated your style of putting just the initial of the name, hehe.