Saturday, January 27, 2007

Ingredients for the perfect afternoon:

1. Gloomy and rainy but not stormy weather. Not too cold to need a jacket but cool enough not to use an electric fan.

2. Norah Jones playing in the background.

3. A cup of coffee. Mine was flavored Hazelnut.

4. Murakami's "Kafka on the Shore". Somehow Murakami's perfect for rainy days - brooding yet reflective.

Perfect days do not come as a gift, a wonderful package. What is given, I think, is just the potential to be 'perfect'. The rest is up to us. One must seize the opportunity to create the most fulfilling and satisfying moments.

The only thing that mar the afternoon is the fact that I shouldn't be reading at all. I should be sitting in front of the computer, finishing my manuscript.

I wasn't able to continue writing my manuscript until after I finshed "Kafka on the Shore". I don't quite know what to make of it. It's one of those books that you just have to finish yet I am hesitant to declare it as brilliant.

Also finished J.M. Coetzee's "Disgrace" which Jas lent me. I feel that I don't want to read anything for a while. I want his voice to linger in my mind.

Monday, January 15, 2007

It's the same old pattern.

I should have known early enough that nothing would come out of it - just like all the other times. I would only end up with another close friend. Ooh, the word 'friend' bites, stings. It's like stale candy when you wanted Swiss chocolates.

Maybe, I really wanted this one to work out so bad that I ignored the flashing signals of warning.

Really, now that I've looked back, wasn't I just a modern-day Doña Jeronima*? Was I really genuinely taken by the so-called amazing 'connection'? Did I really admire all the good qualities I saw? Did I really think that the way we complemented each other was like one-in-a-million? Did I honestly love how we were such a good team?

Or did I just like the way I felt affirmed? Did I just ravish the feeling that someone enjoyed my company? Was the reason I wanted it to work the fact that finally I could prove to myself and the rest of the world that I was worthwhile? Was I just 'using' him as a probable mirror to reflect all thatI loved about myself? Was it all for my pride and vanity?

And is that the reason it hurts so much? Because I wounded my own ego? Does it hurt because I really believed we would have been good together, or because once again, I am the one who is inferior - the one not worth the affection?

Really, was it just all about me? Did I just prove that I am the selfish brat that I am and perhaps always will be(O God, I hope not)? If that's the case,then it's probably just as well that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Maybe I'm not just cut out for the whole love thing. I'm too selfish and self-centered, too insecure, too needy of assurance.

Next time I see myself falling in the same pattern all over again, for the nth time - I hope I have enough sense to run towards the opposite direction.

I've watched a thousand movies and read a thousand books on it; I've imagined it countless times in my mind; I've had numerous conversations about it with friends, teachers and acquaintances even. I'm also not lacking in good examples.

Yet I still don't know how to love. I don't know what it is or what it means. I do pray somebody teaches me before I die.



*Nick Joaquin's "Dona Jeronima" from Tropical Gothic

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I am seriously hating my blog. I hate the skin. I hate the dots. I hate the narcissistic photo marquee. I hate even my blog title. I tried to fix everything I hated over the weekend, but I just managed to almost ruin it. So I reverted back to the old, boring, prinsesang labandera. I think I already outgrew the concept of a noble princess washing laundry. I need a change. So if anyone out there is tech-savvy and has a teensy-weensy bit of pity for me, HELP!!!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Post Una Por 2007

Because a lot of my friends from the blogging community (especially mga blogspot bloggers) have posted their new year's post, I was sort of pressure to produce one. Haha, ang inggitera ko talaga. Anyway, I'm just posting what I consider the best new year's greetings I've receive for 2007:

- "Sbi ni e.e. cummings:
let all go
the big small midling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things- let go dear
so comes love." happy new year!

- Happier year for you, ilia, i hope.

-My wish 4 u is to finally meet sum1 hu wud match ur wit and sensibility :)

- "It's been a Long December
And there's reason to believe
That maybe this year
will be better than the last" ** - counting crows
I pray '07 will be a gud yr for u...and 4 me too! hehe :)

- Hapi nw yr, Ailia. :-) continue 2 perfect d craft f writing n never limit urself bcoz f doubts. Hope 2 chka wid u.

- Therefore, snce we r surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside evry weight, n d sin which SO EASILY ensnares us, n let us run wit endurance d race dat is set b4 us. Heb 12:1. well, we are nt yet perfect. Yet we are in race, a pit stop, a landmark has cme and goe. Tapos na 2006. Lets focus on d finish line in spite of d many obstacles.

So there! happy new year =P