Monday, January 15, 2007

It's the same old pattern.

I should have known early enough that nothing would come out of it - just like all the other times. I would only end up with another close friend. Ooh, the word 'friend' bites, stings. It's like stale candy when you wanted Swiss chocolates.

Maybe, I really wanted this one to work out so bad that I ignored the flashing signals of warning.

Really, now that I've looked back, wasn't I just a modern-day Doña Jeronima*? Was I really genuinely taken by the so-called amazing 'connection'? Did I really admire all the good qualities I saw? Did I really think that the way we complemented each other was like one-in-a-million? Did I honestly love how we were such a good team?

Or did I just like the way I felt affirmed? Did I just ravish the feeling that someone enjoyed my company? Was the reason I wanted it to work the fact that finally I could prove to myself and the rest of the world that I was worthwhile? Was I just 'using' him as a probable mirror to reflect all thatI loved about myself? Was it all for my pride and vanity?

And is that the reason it hurts so much? Because I wounded my own ego? Does it hurt because I really believed we would have been good together, or because once again, I am the one who is inferior - the one not worth the affection?

Really, was it just all about me? Did I just prove that I am the selfish brat that I am and perhaps always will be(O God, I hope not)? If that's the case,then it's probably just as well that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Maybe I'm not just cut out for the whole love thing. I'm too selfish and self-centered, too insecure, too needy of assurance.

Next time I see myself falling in the same pattern all over again, for the nth time - I hope I have enough sense to run towards the opposite direction.

I've watched a thousand movies and read a thousand books on it; I've imagined it countless times in my mind; I've had numerous conversations about it with friends, teachers and acquaintances even. I'm also not lacking in good examples.

Yet I still don't know how to love. I don't know what it is or what it means. I do pray somebody teaches me before I die.

*Nick Joaquin's "Dona Jeronima" from Tropical Gothic


Anonymous Anonymous said...

kaya mo yan. :)


9:43 AM  

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