Sanyata, Prinsesang Labandera

2007-02-17T23:27:00.000+08:00

To commemorate my 100th post, I will temporarily say goodbye - until further notice - to prinsesang labandera. Tsokolate na ang trip ko ngayon. Sa iba na muna kayo magpalaba. Nagsawa na kasi ako sa bubbles. Oo, alam ko, weird na inanounce ko ang pag-alis ko, pero ganun ako e. Haha.

http://chocolateferrari.blogspot.com/

99th post

2007-02-16T14:10:00.000+08:00

Ironic. Kung kailan ako nagsawa sa blog na to, saka pa malapit magkaroon ng commemorative date.

At isang pang April Fools Day na kwento - nagkagalit kami ng housemate ko dahil akala niya hindi ko siya kinakausap at akala ko naman hindi niya ko kinakausap. Pareho naming inisip na mababaw ang isa't isa. O diba? Nakakahiya ang kwento, lalo pa't kung iisipin mo na Communication students kami. Needless to say, bati na kami ngayon.

Kailangan nang magkalas ng booth mamaya. Eto ang isa sa mga panahong iniisip ko na dapat may boyfriend ako na matangkad, may kotse, at willing utusan. Kahit for one day lang.

Ang daming bumisita nitong linggong ito - Hilda, Shamdja, Madz, Jay. Mamaya si Elay, Apeng, at Jesy. Ayos.

Nakita ko na si Ebe. Sa wakas.

2007-02-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

Mean girl complex: The inexplicable need to be 'mean' and to assert power over others by means of mockery, subtle but malicious jokes, and threats of severing the 'friendship.'

Alipores complex: The inexplicable need to get on the good side of the mean girl due to fear that she and the gang will turn on you if you don't join in the 'fun.'

I know, I know. This is all freaking juvenile, so high school. I, too, thought that I had left this kind of mentality behind me when I left for college. Apparently not. I was too intricately woven in the whole mean girl system that I've only realize now (that I've been dismissed) how I've participated in something I abhor.

Anyway, at least I know now. Really, I do have rotten judgement. My fault is being trusting.

2007-02-04T21:36:00.000+08:00

The temperature here in LB is really getting to me. It is a bit paralyzing. Especially this weekend, when we were in Puypuy for my playwriting class workshop. Weird, it was just in Laguna, but somehow I felt it was so "probinsyang-probinsya". To which Jas replied: Tanggapin mo na, sa probinsya ka talaga nag-aaral. The mountain view was spectacular and inspiring.

Aside from the teeth-chattering weather, the workshop was a great learning experience. And I got to meet really great playwrights who were so kind to us - considering the quality of the plays our class wrote. I thought that I would regret coming, but I was wrong. It would be a total loss if I hadn't attended.

We didn't get to sleep though. My mind is so toxic. I want to lie in my bed, covered by my apple-green comforter, and sleep for 12 hours. I am that tired.

During one of the breaks in the workshop, someone sang "Insensitive". All the girls joined in. Haha, tells you about our bitter state of minds.

And I therefore conclude after the workshop that straight men are an endangered species. We have got to do something about it. Add that to the fact that about 65% of the straight men are jerks and chauvinists. Thank God for the remaining 35%.

Got my puppy from mam amy already. I originally planned to name it "Karenin" if it's a girl (from the dog in Unbearable Lightness of Being by Kundera), and "Kafka" if it's a boy (not meaning any disrespect for Franz Kafka, I just like the way it sounds). It is a boy. But he's so sad and he looks depressed that I am seriously considering calling him "Van Gogh".

2007-01-27T12:15:00.000+08:00

Ingredients for the perfect afternoon:

1. Gloomy and rainy but not stormy weather. Not too cold to need a jacket but cool enough not to use an electric fan.

2. Norah Jones playing in the background.

3. A cup of coffee. Mine was flavored Hazelnut.

4. Murakami's "Kafka on the Shore". Somehow Murakami's perfect for rainy days - brooding yet reflective.

Perfect days do not come as a gift, a wonderful package. What is given, I think, is just the potential to be 'perfect'. The rest is up to us. One must seize the opportunity to create the most fulfilling and satisfying moments.

The only thing that mar the afternoon is the fact that I shouldn't be reading at all. I should be sitting in front of the computer, finishing my manuscript.

I wasn't able to continue writing my manuscript until after I finshed "Kafka on the Shore". I don't quite know what to make of it. It's one of those books that you just have to finish yet I am hesitant to declare it as brilliant.

Also finished J.M. Coetzee's "Disgrace" which Jas lent me. I feel that I don't want to read anything for a while. I want his voice to linger in my mind.

2007-01-15T02:54:00.000+08:00

It's the same old pattern.

I should have known early enough that nothing would come out of it - just like all the other times. I would only end up with another close friend. Ooh, the word 'friend' bites, stings. It's like stale candy when you wanted Swiss chocolates.

Maybe, I really wanted this one to work out so bad that I ignored the flashing signals of warning.

Really, now that I've looked back, wasn't I just a modern-day Doña Jeronima*? Was I really genuinely taken by the so-called amazing 'connection'? Did I really admire all the good qualities I saw? Did I really think that the way we complemented each other was like one-in-a-million? Did I honestly love how we were such a good team?

Or did I just like the way I felt affirmed? Did I just ravish the feeling that someone enjoyed my company? Was the reason I wanted it to work the fact that finally I could prove to myself and the rest of the world that I was worthwhile? Was I just 'using' him as a probable mirror to reflect all thatI loved about myself? Was it all for my pride and vanity?

And is that the reason it hurts so much? Because I wounded my own ego? Does it hurt because I really believed we would have been good together, or because once again, I am the one who is inferior - the one not worth the affection?

Really, was it just all about me? Did I just prove that I am the selfish brat that I am and perhaps always will be(O God, I hope not)? If that's the case,then it's probably just as well that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Maybe I'm not just cut out for the whole love thing. I'm too selfish and self-centered, too insecure, too needy of assurance.

Next time I see myself falling in the same pattern all over again, for the nth time - I hope I have enough sense to run towards the opposite direction.

I've watched a thousand movies and read a thousand books on it; I've imagined it countless times in my mind; I've had numerous conversations about it with friends, teachers and acquaintances even. I'm also not lacking in good examples.

Yet I still don't know how to love. I don't know what it is or what it means. I do pray somebody teaches me before I die.

*Nick Joaquin's "Dona Jeronima" from Tropical Gothic

2007-01-09T14:00:00.000+08:00

I am seriously hating my blog. I hate the skin. I hate the dots. I hate the narcissistic photo marquee. I hate even my blog title. I tried to fix everything I hated over the weekend, but I just managed to almost ruin it. So I reverted back to the old, boring, prinsesang labandera. I think I already outgrew the concept of a noble princess washing laundry. I need a change. So if anyone out there is tech-savvy and has a teensy-weensy bit of pity for me, HELP!!!

Post Una Por 2007

2007-01-03T10:47:00.000+08:00

Because a lot of my friends from the blogging community (especially mga blogspot bloggers) have posted their new year's post, I was sort of pressure to produce one. Haha, ang inggitera ko talaga. Anyway, I'm just posting what I consider the best new year's greetings I've receive for 2007:

- "Sbi ni e.e. cummings:
let all go
the big small midling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things- let go dear
so comes love." happy new year!

- Happier year for you, ilia, i hope.

-My wish 4 u is to finally meet sum1 hu wud match ur wit and sensibility :)

- "It's been a Long December
And there's reason to believe
That maybe this year
will be better than the last" ** - counting crows
I pray '07 will be a gud yr for u...and 4 me too! hehe :)

- Hapi nw yr, Ailia. :-) continue 2 perfect d craft f writing n never limit urself bcoz f doubts. Hope 2 chka wid u.

- Therefore, snce we r surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside evry weight, n d sin which SO EASILY ensnares us, n let us run wit endurance d race dat is set b4 us. Heb 12:1. well, we are nt yet perfect. Yet we are in race, a pit stop, a landmark has cme and goe. Tapos na 2006. Lets focus on d finish line in spite of d many obstacles.

So there! happy new year =P

this too shall pass, i hope

2006-12-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

dead tired from the year-end meeting slash retreat. fell asleep while watching Studio 23's Grey's Anatomy 3-episode marathon. Didn't get to watch how the love affair between Christina Yang and Preston Burke blossomed. too tired to eat - even chocolate, my comfort food. so in need of comfort - from food or any other source - but too lazy and numb to do anything but cuddle up in bed and cry. sick of how I see-saw between euphoria and hopeless despair. freaky how just another human being can have this kind of effect. Scary how I allowed it. got to get back composure and peace of mind. have to have the appetite for literature and music to keep sane, because right now, I have no taste for both. just want to lie down, sleep until the feeling passes, until the world feels healed and whole again. trying to believe that this, this is a worthless kind of hoping, stupid expectations - bound to disappoint. but somehow that is no consolation. harnessing strength to believe that God knows what he's doing and what's best, but right at this moment, that is a bitter pill to swallow.

it's here

2006-12-20T17:50:00.001+08:00

It's already cold in Los Baños. One of the few signs that Christmas is finally here, however delayed its arrival. But now to leave one home for another. The nest which seems to have been passed over by the transforming powers of festivity. So barren, steel cold. No comfort, no tidings of great joy - just plate crusts colliding, smashing underneath the silent earth.

when dreams come true

2006-12-17T01:17:00.000+08:00

Ok, so Yeng won the title of Grand Star Dreamer. Predictable. It's not that I don't like her, because I do, but I think winning will not be good for her. Yeah right, since when is coming out on top bad for your career? But in her case, I believe it is.

There was something overwhelming about seeing all of them performing in Araneta (on TV). Even if you're just an apathetic viewer, you could see dreams being realized in front of your eyes. I can only imagine what it was like to see thousands of people coming to see them - them who were once nobodies. Asteeg. You can't help but be happy for them.

I read somewhere that if you didn't have any dreams left you might as well die. I guess dreams want to make you see another morning. Makes you want to get out of bed because maybe, just maybe, today will be the day.

I used to think that the ultimate question to find out who you're supposed to be with is "who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?" But somehow that's too easy. I can easily imagine a dozen future lives I'll potentially live. But those are just castles in the air. I don't even know yet what specific kind of life I want to lead let alone who I'll want to spend it with.

Perhaps the more apt question now is: Who do I want standing next to me, sharing my joy and triumph, when my dreams have finally come to pass?

prodigal daughter

2006-12-13T14:43:00.000+08:00

I said that I needed time and space to rebel. The yoke began to feel heavy, like an imposition. But really I had exchanged a feast for a measly piece of stale bread. I thought that the 'exploration' would give me freedom but it only led me to be caught in the trap of foul words, anger and envy, and unnecessary pain and confusion.

So I returned because I didn't want to rebel anymore. Because I didn't see the point, and because life is crappy when it's in my hands. And because I know He's waiting. I found indeed that "better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." And it was more peaceful than anything I've felt for the past few weeks because I knew I was right with Him. Amazingly the yoke isn't heavy at all.

Admittedly, I'll probably rebel some time in the future (probably for totally different reasons) but I'll always come back and I'll always have a place to come back to. And I've learn to take it day by day. Strength to strength until I see Him.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

- From the inside out, Hillsong United

2006-12-10T16:11:00.000+08:00

You know the saying "sleep on it" before making a big decision? In cases of sending desperate and passionate letters, I say, wait a month. Then read it again. If you don't cringe, send it.

lost significance

2006-12-07T10:09:00.000+08:00

Going through my box
of knick-knacks, I see
candy bar wrappers,
play tickets and dried flowers.
I begin to wonder
what occasions, dates or
memories should they evoke
that they were carefully
kept? I honestly
cannot remember.

Surprisingly good surprises and a promise to keep

2006-12-04T15:46:00.000+08:00

Kimi is back in Manila, and for good. She's now working here. I was so surprised because she didn't warn me ahead of time. I guess that's what surprises are all about. And I'm estatic. She was welcomed with shrieks and bear hugs. When their family moved away, it sort of signaled the end of an era. But now it seems that the glory days are coming back and I do hope so. As T. said, "it's nice to have again that someone who can speak your language."

Another suprise: M. finally shaved his again after I egged him about it nonstop. Of course, I'm giving the credit to myself. Hehe. Anyway, I'm just so glad to see him clean again.

On a sadder note, it's sad to realize that people you loved and spent a lifetime with have changed so radically you no longer have anything in common with them except a few memories of a time long past. We've drifted apart so much, you now resemble someone I wouldn't even be friends with.

I'm scared of you, I'm scared for you. I do not understand the person you have become. But I love the person that you were, the person that I believe is still there despite the frivolity and superficiality you now seem to possess.

So to whom will I be loyal? To your past, to your present, or to what you may turn out to be? I am loyal to you, I promised you friendship forever. And even if it breaks my heart to see you like this, I still love you and I pray that this is just a phase, that "This too, shall pass."

*bananaducky: I imitated your style of putting just the initial of the name, hehe.

2006-11-27T14:58:00.000+08:00

Di ko alam ang masasabi ko. I don't believe in desire-universe-Paulo Coelho principle, but it does seem that the universe is conspiring against us. Basta parang ganun, ano ba yan, wala akong masyadong ma-reveal dahil hindi ko alam kung sino ang nagbabasa nito. Haha. Swimming upstream ito. Love is a battlefield nga daw diba? If I only knew what's on your mind. Would it be easier?

miss

2006-11-20T23:06:00.000+08:00

I never knew how much I missed LB until ths first day of classes. It's the first time in my entire college life that I arrived at Los Baños before 6am. We had to catch the early bus because my sister has, unfortunately, a 7AM class. The morning looked so inviting, so fresh. "Bukang liwayway" is so apt a phrase.

Our apartment is a bit musty and smellslike an old closet. But what did I expect? We left it for a month. So we're hiring housekeepers to clean tomorrow. Part of the welcome of the new sem. Our last sem together.

I'm glad to be back where I can see big and beloved trees everywhere. Here, everything I need is within a ten minute walk or a very short jeepney ride perhaps. forgot how I missed just walking around campus and accidentally bumping into a friend - a few minutes' chat turning into several hours of 'tambay' around benches or building stairs nearby.

And another thing I missed - the food! I had dinner with Mam Amy and Jaz at the place formerly called Ellen's Fried Chicken - it has a different name now but everyone still calls it Ellen's. They have the best fried chicken and monggo in the world. The only place Elbi needs is... GO NUTS DONUTS! Hehe, life would be sooo heavenly then.

One thing, or should I say person, is missing from Elbi though and that's Red. He's left teaching and is now in La Union (I think). Elbi life doesn't seem complete without him.
- no more late coffee and blueberry cheescake
no more joy rides to Forestry, Calamba and SLEX
no more ice cream binge eating
no more movie and LOST episodes marathon
no more raiding each other's private library (he's my main source of Yancey and Lewis books)
no more hours of conversation about theories, books, movies, Narnia, LOTR, Star trek, and everything under the sun
no more spur of the moment food trips
and no more Valerie (his ever dependable Vios).

In short, no more friend who could be right there the minute you text regardless of time or date. Yeah, I know it's selfish to wish him back here when this place is keeping him from fulfilling his dreams. It's just that it feels like losing a best friend, a brother. He's so far away now, it seems we're in different continents.

I'm sure there'll be a lot of things and places and people that I will miss once I leave this place which I consider a home. But for now, I'll just enjoy the 5 months I have left, do really well in my studies, continue building lifelong friendships and desperately wish for a Go Nuts Donuts branch to open in LB.

Secular music - a guilty pleasure?

2006-11-08T17:47:00.000+08:00

I heard it once said on the pulpit that Christians should only listen to Christian music. I'm sorry but I disagree.

Music is one of those essential things that I don't want to live without. Not only is music a source of pleasure but it is also sometimes my spokesperson - creating with sounds and lyrics what my heart wants to say but my lips can't utter.

Music provides a pleasure that few other art forms can match. Music satisfies the entire being: physically through the senses, emotionally through the heart, rationally through the mind and wholly - mind, body and soul. It is a pleasure most people would not do without, whether we would disagree what exactly is good music.

I believe that music is a pleasure that God created to refresh us, to comfort us, to give us strength - to be our companions at times. Music is what I would count as 'legitimate pleasure'. Ravi Zacharias says that "Any pleasure that refreshes you without diminishing you, distracting you, or sidetracking you from the ultimate goal is a legitimate pleasure."

But of course, since the world is imperfect, music can also have a 'dangerous' side. It's somewhat accepted to say in songs what is not socially acceptable in real conversations. A lot of mainstream songs say something about sex, love, family issues and political issues that would not be normally heard in everyday conversations. Songwriters and singers have 'artistic license' and can give really ambiguous metaphors and whatnot for things not openly talked about. This is a freedom when used properly could give the song depth - but when misused, can be used to exploit and distort.

I can see the danger in this - that lyrics (and the music videos that come along with the song) could influence young minds. But I believe that it has less to do with what kind of music you listen to and more to do with what kind of character you have. If parents concentrate more on raising up their children in a way that builds the right kind of values, principles and ultimately character - then their children would have the proper foundation to choose for themselves what kind of music is appropriate and good.

I guess Christian parents, teachers, elders and pastors are afraid that worldly and secular music (and all forms of art and entertainment for that matter) might take away focus, desire and devotion for the Divine. I do admit there is that kind of tendency. But as Phillip Yancey says:

"Natural desire was not the enemy of the supernatural and repressing desire not the solution. Rather, to find the path of joy I needed to connect desire to its other-worldly source."

According to Yancey, we should view our earthly longings, desires and pleasures - things that give us enjoymentt - are clues and 'rumors' of another world. We should see these worldly pleasures not as threats but as glimpses or tastes of God's gifts and what He has in store for us. He made this world and I believe He also intends for us to enjoy it. We should approach good and appropriate secular music not as evil threats but as something that God gave us to enjoy, something that gives something more to hope and desire for.

For me, the enjoyment of music is not only in its message or lyrics but also the meshing of different instruments and sounds together to create something that gives delight to the listener. Often times, when lying in bed as i listen to my player, I would sit up because the drums or guitars would catch my ear and I would have to give it my full attention and appreciation. And that's delight for me - utter beauty and joy. And if secular music could give me that, how much more delight will I get in music that is made for our Lord's ears.

And I do hate to admit it, sometimes mainstream Christian music lacks that. It concentrates so much on the lyrics and sometimes forgets about the sound. I put emphasis on 'mainstream' because there are a lot of Christian artists out there who produce and create really great music that glorifies God and still delights the soul. I guess that's the challenge for Christian artists - to be able to give glory and praise due God through music and at the same time give us a taste, or should I say a whisper, of what music will sound like in heaven.

*sources: Phillip Yancey. Rumors of Another World. and Ravi Zacharias. Cries of the Heart.

A week's taste of a life to be

2006-10-30T15:12:00.000+08:00

Where there are rigid and angular and modern structures, where buildings probably came first before the trees and plants, where everything is in its proper place and where rules are made to be followed and not broken - here is a place I consider one of my 'second homes', where the 6th Ateneo National Writers Workshop was held.

One week in that campus taught me that UP does not have the monopoly of lovable quirky and eccentric people - other schools also have their fair share. I learned that I know close to nothing and that I haven't really done anything to be proud of yet.

One week in a cold conference room - dedicated to one born on Christmas Day- I learned that even 6 cups of coffee cannot keep you awake or wipe the 'required' look off your face. Here, where I cannot be without my trusty, blue, macrame jacket, I learned the value of having a poker expression and an eager heart.

One week in a room of 6 beds, 2 electric fans, one aircon and one bathroom taught me that even though at first glance people seem different from you - deep down they are not. All fourteen of you who lie on green bedsheets to rest at night (at least for a week) have the same passion and desire - it is only manifested in different genres, styles and voices.

In that semi-open space where green chairs, metal benches and plastic tin cans which serve as ashtrays abound, many conversations - serious or trivial - were woven in the history and memories of the fellows. You can learn a lot more in an hour of meaningful conversation than 5 hours of lecture in a class where the teacher does not like what he's teaching. In this gathering place where the cigarette smoke sometimes hurt my eyes - I met kindred spirits.

Over bottles of beer, fish crackers, calamares and baked tahong - I learned that laughter can be so fake it becomes real. And that having fun starts from scratch but once it gets going, it's hard to stop. I now know that my throat will hurt after attempting to make my voice audible over very loud music(?) and make sense at the same time - and that I will desperately fail every time. That night affirmed my preference for quiet places where coffee and ambiance is served rather than alcohol.

But when it's all over and done, I realized that over talent and craft - will, passion and desire will keep you going. My hands are trying hard to catch up with the constant churn of my mind. One week. Innumerable epiphanies. New friendships. Untainted memories.

So for all that, thank you.

Ten things I hate (and love) about you

2006-10-09T13:43:00.000+08:00

I love the way you remember what kind of food I like and don't like.

I love it when you smile your real smile - you look like a delighted kid.

I hate the way you're so responsible ALL the time.

But I love that you do know how to have fun.

I love it that you encourage not only me but other people as well.

I hate it when most of your observations hit right home,

but I love the way you tell me things I hope you don't tell anyone else.

I hate how you're appropriate in most circumstances
- it's hard to catch you off guard.

I love the way you love our God and find ways to serve Him.

But mostly I hate it the way we're really perfect for each other
and yet we're just friends.

Reflections after the storm

2006-10-01T21:41:00.000+08:00

As Luzon experienced the wrath of "Milenyo", all of us have different stories to tell and here's mine. I heard from my Diliman based friends that the day before the typhoon struck, the weather seemed fine - just a little gloomy. Well, since I'm based in Los Baños during weekdays, it was different for us. Wednesday pa lang, super rain na. Non stop. But since the weather is always kinda screwed up in Los Baños, it wasn't really alarming.

I was planning to have a movie marathon at home on Thursday because classes were suspended. But unfortunately, the power black out interrupted my plans. But that wasn't the worse of our problems. Rain started to pour real hard and our apartment was getting pretty flooded. We had to rearrange furniture and beds and other stuff - not without bickering of course (with a houseful of crabby girls, what do you expect? =P)

My housemates and I lingered in bed for about two hours until we heard the cries of our hungry stomachs. The problem was we couldn't go out of the house because outdoors were a bloody mess - branches and parts of the roof flying, flood water halfway to our knees, and biting wind and rain. Plus, we couldn't cook because our stove was electric.

Thank God for boy neighbours who are also VCF members, They faced the storm head on and bought food for us. To think these were the neighbours my housemates often complained about (because they were so noisy all the time), so it was very humbling.

I was really just so thankful that I was indoors at that time because when the rains and winds finally subsided, we went out and saw the real damage. The big acacia trees in our campus were uprooted, a bridge was destroyed - our campus looked liked a war zone. As my friend coined, "disasterland."

There were a lot of people also out searching for food, batteries and other necessities. Me - I forced my housemates to go out so we could find tripleA batteries for my mp3 player - yeah, I know, I'm so bratty. Anyway, as we were on our way home, I overheard some student council folks looking for people to help those whose homes were flooded. I felt a liitle shallow and trivial because here I was only concerned about my stupid mp3 player when there were matters that were of more urgency.

The next day, my room mate (Carmel), my sister and I went home by bus. We passed by other barangays of Los Baños and Calamba and were met by mud, floods and traffic. We left at about 10:30am and got home by 3pm. Talk about cramps. I really felt sad because there were landslides and people whose homes and business were destroyed. I saw this lamp shop in LB where most of their lamps were damaged and the owners were just sitting around looking very dejected and helpless. We also passed a bus sandwiched by those big steel billboards. Seeing all these made me very annoyed with other people in Manila who made it seem that what they experienced was the end of the world - because I had seen worse.

Of course, all bad things must end and as the Good Book says, "though the sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning." And with 'Milenyo' this was a bit literal. Friday was so sunshine-ny it was hard to believe that Thursday night happened at all. I never experience a storm this paralyzing - no electricity, no cell sites, few open banks - let us go back to the primitive way of living haha.

One of the good things that happened to me was Ateneo called on Saturday and said that I was accepted for the writer's workshop. I'm still paranoid about it and I keep thinking that maybe they called the wrong number or they thought I was somebody else. The downside of this is I would not be able to watch UECG's Experiencing God the musical because the organizers want us checked in at Ateneo by Oct 22, afternoon. Too bad. So I'll just watch the technical dress rehearsal.

And now, we have no classes for an entire week until UPLB administration gets back on its feet and the campus is up and running again. This is bad news for me because classes will be extended and all my stuff's in LB so I can't do any work whatsoever. I don't know, maybe I'll just try and make the best of the forced vacation.

This storm really made an impact to me because it made me realized that there are more things important than what is going on in my life. My concerns seem trivial vis-a-vis the real problems of other people. Plus, "Milenyo" taught me to be grateful for all the things I had and the people who loved me. I learned that when it comes to the nitty-gritty, I really have almost nothing to complain about.

2006-09-26T18:59:00.000+08:00

I wish this sem was over. Ayoko na.

Haha. whatever.

Sana kasama kita.

You can know that a promise is a promise...

2006-09-21T21:26:00.000+08:00

Ang sabog ng utak ko these days. I don't do my assignments on time, make lame excuses and skip class for no viable reason. Can it be that I caught 'Senioritis'? Haha =P

I made a very big mistake of taking on more responsibility than I can handle this sem. And now I'm so overwhelmed that I'm stuck in a rut and became a lazy, escapist bum. Someone please knock some sense into me.

The weird thing is - I'm not failing or doing poorly. I'm quite surprised at my high grades in subjects that I take for granted. Maybe I need to fail so it'll bring me back to sanity, hard work and excellence.

Earlier this afternoon, we attended a symposium on call centers. Anna and I agreed that we don't want to be employed in one. That led to a discussion about our future plans after grad and possible careers. And it's scary. For the past few weeks, I've been reading classified ads trying to figure out what life after the university holds for me.

I've had the misfortune of being somewhat undecided and perennially discontented. During my first year, I wanted to shift to Biology and major in Genetics. In my second year, I seriously considered pursuing Education. And surprisingly, I wanted to shift to Management or Economics during my third year - but obviously it was too late, which made the idea quite stupid. This was further triggered by my disillusionment with my degree program and its curriculum.

Yeah, I'm sort of a scatterbrain who only has a vague idea of what she wants and seldom has the courage to pursue it. It doesn't help that I have a wide variety of interests as my weird combination of course options prove.

I do know in what line of work I'll eventually be involved with - I won't reveal to the world just yet since I don't need undue pressure. Only, I can't commit fully to it yet because that would mean giving up a lot of my dreams - studying abroad, go into some kind of business, travel, study forensics and astronomy, learn different skills and hobbies such as photography and film making, win Palanca awards and a lot more. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It's scary to trust in an unknown future but weirdly enough, God often works in that kind of environment.

I really don't know what I want. I guess I am too young and a lot of roads are still available. Maybe it's true - youth is wasted on the young. By the time I know what I really really was meant to do in my lifetime, I would be old enough to have regrets about lost time and strength - but wise enough to know that there's no time to lose and tackle it head on.

But I trust God knows what He's doing and I will become what He wants me to be in His time. I know coz He promised =P

If I were a SIMS character

2006-09-06T00:25:00.002+08:00

Ano kaya ang purpose ni God kung bakit 24 hours lang sa isang araw? Wala lang, sa dami ng kailangan kong tapusin, nauubusan na ako ng oras, nakakasira ng bait. O baka naman hindi lang ako marunong mag manage ng time.

Naisip ko tuloy, ano kaya kung character na lang ako sa SIMS. Sims people have no will power of their own. May ibang taong nagpapatakbo sa buhay nila. Kapag naiihi sila, di nila yun matiis - tulad ng totoong tao - so they'll just pee anwhere. If their sleep bar is empty - they will just fall down on the floor, grass or wherever they might be at the moment and sleep. Ano kaya kung ganun ang tao? Pag gusto na lang din nating mamatay - babagsak na lang tayo at mamamatay.

Sa mga panahong ganito, sana talaga naghihibernate ang tao. Tapos pag gising mo, tapos na ang lahat ng kailangan mong gawin - wala ka nang aalahanin.

The only consolation in SIMS is that they have cheats. They have things such as rejuvenation chambers, cheats to make you rich - you get the drift. Sana may tableta ng tulog at nabibili lang sa botika ang pahinga.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40: 30-31

Don't speak

2006-08-23T20:37:00.000+08:00

All-knowing (AK) people annoy me. And there is one just a few meters away from me. He's going on and on about literary criticism and appreciation.

"A good plot is not a standard of whether the book is good. A book can be good even if its plot is not. It's all in the deliverance. For example, Tolkien, Lord of The Rings' story is like hell asteeg, but the deliverance naman, ang boring. Tingnan mo naman ang Harry Potter, ang pangit ng story pero cool ang deliverance, diba?" (semi verbatim)

Offending Act Number 1: Speaking so loudly that I heard your opinions at all. Yeah, I know, I'm harsh pero harsh and sweeping din ang mga sinabi mo.

Offending Act Number 2: The word is 'delivery', dude. Please know your words before you act all wise and cocky.

Offending Act Number 3: Not knowing that a good plot is essential to a good book. Kung hindi maganda ang plot anong panghahawakan mo? Kung hindi maganda ang plot, babasahin pa rin ba yan?

Offending Act Number 4: Even daring to put LOTR and Harry Potter in the same comparison level. Hello? Malayo sila no, wala sa kalingkingan ni Tolkien si Rowling. Their fantasy worlds do not meet at all, ibang iba talaga.

Offending Act Number 5: Calling Tolkien boring. You wouldn't know genius if it slapped you in the face. Nabasa mo ba talaga si Tolkien o baka naman sinukuan mo kasi di mo gets? Kaya mong gumawa ng sariling language mula sa existing language ng mundo natin? Si Tolkien kaya. Buti na lang hindi si CS Lewis ang hiniritan mo or I would have walked over to you and given you a piece of my mind.

Please naman people, when you voice out your opinions please make sure they are valid and they have basis. As mama always tells me, 'little knowledge is dangerous." E kung may die-hard fan pala ni Tolkien ang nakarinig sayo e di kung ano na ang ginawa? haha =P Ingat lang, might as well keep your mouth shut.

"Right to be Wrong"

2006-08-11T15:45:00.000+08:00

Yes, this is a series of very whiny posts. It's just that I feel that I don't have a right to fail, a right to screw up. Perhaps there is this invisible rule that eldest daughters, leaders, presidents of orgs and the 'achi ng bayan' cannot, under any possible circumstance, trip and fail and mess up.

I feel that I'm not allowed to fail. That I have to be strong at all times. That all my decisions have to make sense all the time. That I have to respond perfectly to all stimuli and crises. But I fail, I mess up, I make crappy decisions, I'm stupid at times. But somehow there is little margin for error when it comes to me, because people expect better, they expect me to be responsible, dependable, understanding and mature most of the time if not all the time.

It's as if I'm given a role to play - that I have to be the glue that holds everything together. I have to be there for people. Within this 24 hours alone, I've had 3 people who cried on my shoulder. And I've cried with them. I'm there for them. I don't begrudge them that because I love these people. But who's there for me? On whose shoulders can I cry on? It's been a long, long time since I've cried on anybody's shoulder. I feel that I give and give and support and assist. But now, I'm running on empty. I have nothing more to offer because it's all used up.

When I try to come to people and just vent, either they're too busy asking me to help them - they want to talk about their problems instead - or they offer well-intentioned advices and expect me to solve the problem right away. I don't have permission to be weak. I am not allowed to feel bad, to complain or to feel burned out - because they think I'm better, that I should be better and that I should know better.

Yes I have friends, really good and true friends for that matter. But I feel that they all think I don't need help, that I can handle things on my own. Or worse, they think I don't want help. Perhaps that's partly my fault. In the end, I have no one to support me but God and myself. And somehow, I don't think that's right because that's why there are other people. That's why we are part of a unit.

I don't want to be strong anymore. At least not in the way people expect me to be. I want to be weak. I need to be weak. I want to be carefree, bereft of all anxiety. But I can't. Because there's no one there to catch me. There's no one to hold me up. There's no one willing to clean up my mess because I'm not allow to mess up in the first place.

Just Plain Tired

2006-08-08T18:57:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired of depending on myself. I'm so tired of being the 'strong' one, being so reliable and dependable. Yeah, it is nice that you are the type people run to in case of emergencies or crucial decisions or even called to lead some project. It's just that I feel that I'm always required to do my best. Who do I run to when I'm so overwhelmed with work?

People I can depend on are very rare. I guess it's because I'm such a perfectionist that I want everything up to my standard. I'd rather do all the work myself than settle for something less. And that's what usually happens. I don't want that anymore. I want someone else to lead, to take the responsibility, to push and order me around - of course, in a reasonable manner.

Take for example a case study we had to do for my management class. One member didn't attend because, according to his text message - this is verbatim - "medyo pagod po kasi ako." Hello? And I'm not tired? Want me to show you tired? I'm the head of a literary org, secretary of a poetry group, editor-in-chief of the class paper, practicumer in a play for my theather practicum and on top of that is my regular school load. But you don't hear me missing meetings because I'm tired.

All I want is to feel that someone has got my back. That there'll be someone to pick up after me if I mess up. I just want some support. I wish people had more initiative, I wish they didn't have to wait for me to spell out everything. Sometimes it does pay to be mediocre - at least you're not that stressed out. Is this some sort of a curse - this need to be excellent, this desire to produce quality work? Oh, I hope not because I can't get it out of my system.

It's been so long that I can hardly remember how it feels to be a participant. Please, somebody else lead. I can be a follower too. Just show me you're worthy and I'll be there to back you up anytime. That's a promise.

Rants and Raves

2006-08-03T23:25:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit napakataray ng mga taga-photocopy dito sa LB. Siguro hindi nila alam na sa isang business kailangan pag silbihan mo ang customer hindi tratuhing parang kasalanan pa nila na kailangan nila ng serbisyo nyo.

Sorry na lang, mga poor lang ang mga Isko't Iska kaya kailangan naming magpaphotocopy. Kung kaya ba naman naming bumili ng libro bat pa kami pagtitiyaga sa mga pagtataray at pag-iirap nila.

Ang labo talaga nila. Kung wala kami, wala silang kita, wala silang trabaho. Dapat merong mandatory free course on customer relations ang lahat ng taga-photocpy dito sa LB. At baka sa susunod na may magtaray sakin dahil KAILANGAN ko ng readings, di ako makapagpigil at tanungin ko sya ng, "Anong bang problema mo? Di mo pa ba narinig ang 'service with a smile'?"

Oo alam ko, malamang boring ang pag-photocopy buong araw at malamang nakakainit nga naman yun ng ulo. Pero kung may angst kayo sa buhay niyo, wag niyo kong idamay. May angst din naman ako a, dinadamay ko ba kayo? Yah, I know, di ako masyadong galit, nagtimpi lang naman ako for 3 years. At tinarayan lang ako ng lalaki sa Leo's kaninang hapon kaya fresh pa ang incident. Hay, some people.

On a lighter note:

Dahil darating si GMA sa Lb sa tuesday (daw), biglang pinagawa ang maayos namang daanan papuntang campus. (Mag-english na ko, di ko na kaya mag-articulate sa Filipino e) From the campus gate, there are only two routes PUJs can take - Kanluran road or Silangan road.

The usual route is Kanluran Road. The jeepneys pass by Silangan ROad only when they are leaving the camous. So the people who live in Silangan road - like me - can only go in the campus by walking there. Granted it's not that long a walk, but what if it's raining and I don't want to get my pants wet? I have no choice but to walk or take a jeep to go outside campus and take another jeepney to go back in. That would be crazy and wasteful.

Of course you can say that I could move to Kanluran Road. No way. The place is super noisy, there are lots of people, and few trees and I just don't like it period.

But now, because the road is being fixed, the jeepneys are passing through Silangan ROad! Yehey! We're not marginalized anymore. At least until the asphalt dries.

Senseless

2006-07-24T12:56:00.000+08:00

You got me listening to these songs:

1. Over by Lindsay Lohan
2. Cool with You
3. Burn by Usher
4. Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson
and
5. Beer by Itchyworms

See anything in common? They are all break-up songs. Now why would I even listen to break-up songs when I have no one to break up with in the first place?

How senseless is that? It's as senseless as watching a very crappy movie to the finish just to see the credits but you still miss them anyway. Why would I continue to torture myself just to see what ending we will have? By the looks of it, we are going to be just one crappy movie whose ending I will miss because we never had a beginning to start with.

You'd think that for all the lousy and ouch-inducing rough drafts I've had, I would have stopped believing at all. They all seem to have a pattern and a motive - don't cut me any slack. Haha, I've tried to stop believing and turn skeptic. But as RED said to me - I am one of 'The people of the Story.' I've seen love at its best and I keep that picture in my heart. I wouldn't dare to settle for less because I know all too well what I would be missing.

So in order not to turn very bitter and rotten - I'm quitting you.

eyes

2006-07-20T22:27:00.000+08:00

I never thought that I would see another pair of these in LB. But I do and I have. Of course it's just harmless and tiny. Just fun, we converse, we laugh, we smile. Another reason to look forward to tuesdays and thursdays.

Why reading books is better than watching TV

2006-07-10T21:33:00.000+08:00

I don't believe people when they say "wala kasi akong oras magbasa e." I guess, it's because for me, reading is not just a hobby, it is a lifestyle. When it is an integral part of your life, you don't have to find time for it, it's just there by default.

I have been attached (physically and all the 'llys') to books for as long as I can remember. I don't eat alone without reading, sometimes I even read while cooking. I can't sleep without reading first and I wouldn't dare travel without bringing a book (I brought a book on my 'trip' to Ateneo and UPD last friday).

So it saddens me that reading is fast becoming obsolete. Resulting to equally deteriorating skills of critical thinking and analysis. Reading does not only give you new information, it also teaches you to contextualize, read between the lines and make analogies. I believe the reason why Filipino kids are not as smart as the rest of Asia is because all they do is watch TV for hours.

Too much TV, I think, dulls the brain. You don't have to think that much, everything is fed to you. I am not anti-TV. I watch a lot of TV. My life would not be complete without Lost, CSI, Gilmore Girls, Hallmark Channel, NGC, Discovery Chanel and the Lifestyle Network. But I still think that books are the best because:

1. Books are portable. You can bring them anywhere - in the loo, in a restaurant, in any kind of transportation be it for land, air or sea, and you can even bing it to class and hide it under your desk while you turn the pages.

2. Books have infinite reruns - until it dilapidates. You can read a book for as many times as you want to or for as long as it takes for you to get it.

3. You can smell books. That's enough reason for me. =P

4. Books allow you to imagine. Unlike in TV, where you can see everything, reading gives you the license to imagine a character's physical appearance or facial expression. For all the cinematographic excellence in LOTR, Narnia(TCON) and Dune movies, I believe the Middle Earth, Narnia and Arakkis looks so much better in my imagination.

5. Books gives you a venue for cross-examination and verification. Books are more 'credible' in the sense that it must be something worthwhile for it to be published (discounting the icky romances). The process of publishing a book is intricate and complicated. And you know that blood, sweat and tears went into it. Even if it's a work of fiction, the author must attain some kind of authority and credibility.

On the other hand, in TV you can just find some pretty girls who look great in bikinis, dump them in an island with guys who will go gaga over them, make up some crazy rules and you have reality TV that's not so real.

6. You can stop whenever you want to. You can put down a book in case you need to pee, wash the dishes or do the laundry. You don't have to wait for the commercials. And you can get back on it whenever you want. Unlike with TV, you can't 'pause and play' it so you schedule your life around your favorite shows. The TV controls you whereas you control the book.

7. Reading is private. It is between your mind, the book and the words. No one can tell you how to 'read' something unless you allow them to. People who read over your shoulder belong to another category - all you have to do is slug them or blow their ears off, haha joke =P But watching TV is a collective and public activity. Sometimes, you have to watch with the most annoying people and they affect how you watch and understand the show.

8. Words come alive in your brain. Your reading of a text is affected by your perspective and experience. The Chronicles of Narnia (TCON) was just a fantastic story when I was nine but now it is a reflection of a spiritual journey. I related to Anne of Green Gables in a different way when I was twelve and in a more profound way now that I'm turning twenty.

9. Reading makes people think you're smart. Watching TV lumps you in the 'just like everyone else' category.

10. Books carry a history - where and when did you buy it, where did you read it, how long did it take for you to finish it, what events occurred in your life when you were reading it, with whom did you discuss it with, who borrowed it, what food or drink did you spill on it and I can go on and on. Books - the ones I own - hold a special place in my heart.

And lastly but absolutely and definitely not the last - God has chosen to reveal himself through the written word. The Bible is our main source of communication with God. If you want to have a relationship with Him, you better get in the habit of reading. That would be enough reason for me =P

What "Lilo and Stitch" taught me about Christianity

2006-06-05T11:47:00.000+08:00

I was first introduced to "Lilo and Stich" by Achi Kimi - who, for some unexplainable reason, was so enamored by Stitch. But I wasn't convinced then because I though Stitch was an ugly monster who looked liked a mutated bat.

I was further acquainted with Stitch because my younger sister, Khara, watched the TV series on Disney channel. I watched with her when I had nothing better to do. But I still thought that Stitch was disgusting bordering on annoying.

But there seemed to be a conspiracy to get me to like Stitch as the first "Lilo and Stitch" movie was shown in the bus on our way home from Kid's camp, Tagaytay. Being attacked by a bout of travel sickness, I was unable to sleep so the movie had my undivided attention. By the end of the trip - I was fascinated by Stitch and his character, gradually even liking his appearance.

With this newfound 'respect' for Stitch, I began to regularly watch the TV series and I fell further in love with Stitch. But the love and enlightenment really blossomed when I watched the second movie installment. "Stitch has a Glitch" last night. And that's when I noticed the Christian principles embedded - albeit unconsciously - in the movie.

Stitch is an alien experiment whose primary function in life is to destroy. It is in his programming and wiring. And he got joy out of smashing, ruining and destroying whatever his teeth and hands on. But his life changed when he met Lilo. Lilo taught him the value of 'ohana' which means family. Lilo showed him a more meaningful source of joy and existence. Because of his relationship with Lilo, Stitch desired to be good - which was against his natural state.

I noticed that in the same way, sinfulness is man's natural state. And before we knew better, we loved sin because most of what is sinful is pleasurable - or so we thought. Then I met Jesus and my relationship with Him made me want to be good because I know that it will please Him. Knowing Jesus gave my meaning and purpose to my existence just like knowing Lilo gave new meaning to Stitch's life.

I guess what makes me relate to Stitch is our common struggle to overcome our 'programming' or in my case, what the Bible calls 'the flesh'. Stitch wants to be good, I want to be good but we can not fully be good because of this 'natural' hindrance. I feel Stitch's frustration when he wanted to be good for Lilo but for some reason - which was a glitch in his system - he becomes the monster he was created.

I also felt his pain and cried with Stitch when he felt Lilo's disappointment in him. I too, sometimes feel that God is disappointed in me and how I live my life. As a Christian, I want to please God so bad but being still in the flesh (which is of course, no excuse), I fail sometimes. And there are times, as Stitch did, that I want to give up because I can't understand why God still doesn't give up on me.

In the end, both Stitch and I know that we can't do it on our own. He can't be good without Lilo and I can't be good because righteousness comes from God alone. And I know that God will never give up on me no matter what because I'm part of God's 'ohana' and ohana means that "nobody gets left behind."

The answers are staring right at your face

2006-05-31T19:35:00.000+08:00

I just got a text message that’s part of a text brigade as protest to the approval of the library fee to be included in our tuition. There is also a probability that our tuition could increase to as much as 1000php a unit. The info is not official but since the people who texted me are part of a political party in UP, I guess they got their facts straight.

The governmnet is also adding new fees such as library fees and internet fees. Now why would we pay for services that we do not enjoy? The libraries, at least in LB, suck big time. Students even go to as far as Ateneo to do well-needed research. The books smell musty and are so dilapidated. And internet? I do not recall having used internet connection at the expense of the school, except perhaps in IT class because it was required and the connection was so slow, I almost fell asleep trying to open a website.

We, ang mga iskolar ng bayan, are indignant. A thousand, a unit? We might as well be studying in a private university. Being accepted and studying in a government subsidized university is a privilege – the government invests in us, in our talents and intelligence. and we work hard to earn that privilege. The university also does its part by trying to imbibe in us the sense of duty to give back what we owe our country.

But what does the university give us? Dirty classrooms, damaged chairs, no proper ventilation, poor facilities, no proper compensation for instructors and professors, and no conducive environment for learning. Without the teachers' passion to share knowledge and the students' drive to learn, we wouldn’t be anywhere at all.

Let’s see, where does the taxpayers’ money go? To military equipment? Why, are we in a war? Does it go to the constitutional charter change that only aims to benefit the power hungry? To the pork barrel that vanishes into thin air?

And they ask why the quality of education in the Philippines is deteriorating. They wonder why UP is no longer among the top schools in Asia. They wonder why the teachers are leaving to teach in less prestigious but high-paying universities. They wonder why fresh grads are flocking abroad to study. They wonder why brain drain is prolific. I don’t know about them, but I know the answer.

nostalgia and sentiments

2006-05-17T22:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my last day at Philippine Graphic for practicum work. Despite my constant complaints and wet blanket attitude, I still felt somehow sentimental when I finally left the Dominga building in Pasong Tamo for the last time. I realized that I've been attached to the people, the Imac computers, the entire environment and even the brainfreezing aircon.
I should really learn to count my blessings more. I feel that my summer was productive and fruitful because of Baguio leadership camp, kid's camp and completing 120 hours in a magazine and publishing company.

But I am itching to go back to school. I miss LB. I miss the trees, our porch, the buildings, and the FOOD - balat ng manok, proven, kwek-kwek and everything manang sells. I miss Pantas and Layb (my orgs)people, the poetry and short story workshops.

I miss the all-nighters and the laugh trips with batch mates until wee morn as though we all had an overdose of laughing gas. I miss the humanities department especially sir den's and mam amy's cubicles.

And I miss studying. Really. Studying beats encoding, editing, researching and sitting in a cold room for 9 hours. Haha, I'm complaining again. I really can't wait until the school year starts. It will be my last year in college and I am gonna squeeze all the fun I can get out of it.

Once upon a jeepney ride

2006-05-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

When people ride in jeepneys, they seem to always look at the road - the journey to wherever they are going. I have long tried to understand this compulsion. I am also guilty of this. Why crane your neck till it aches to see a road you usually already know so well? It may be that we are always anticipating and watching and eager to reach our destination.

But it could also be because we are uncomfortable with complete strangers. So we would rather look outside and hurt our necks to see something familiar rather than connect with these people we don't know.

This is a shame because jeepney rides are such a venue for insight on humans and their behavior. It is amazing how much you can know when you really see and not just look at people. When you really see a human as a person - I realize that no one is ugly or repulsive. It is only when our perspective is colored with prejudice, intolerance, stereotypes and even past experiences that we categorize people into beautiful and ugly.

I realized that when I took the time to see and dwell on a person, I can see that this is a person just like me - as special as I see myself. I experienced this when I subtly stare at people during jeepney rides and I dwell on their facial features. The face is the window to our soul. Our every feature tells a story. So when you see a person's physical appearance as just a manifestation of his inner being - you can't say that they're ugly or beautiful, but one thing's for sure - they are real.

Of course, we will always be partial to those who look better than the rest - as perhaps we were born with a natural aesthetic sense - but that doesn't give usa right to alter our attitudes and behavior according to a person's physical appearance. Wow, all these in just one jeepney ride haha at least i got something out of that vomit-inducing ride home.

that fierce side of me

2006-05-02T12:12:00.000+08:00

I am a naturally sedentary person. I don't like much physical activity and that includes sports. I like watching sports - analyzing the game even. But being in the sport - I'd rather be in the bleachers cheering and hoarse the next day.

But I am a competitive person. I may not like the idea of moving, running and being sporty but when you put me in that situation, when you thrust me in a game - I will kick butt. I love competition and I don't like to lose. And I will do anything - within legal limits - to make sure my team gets to the top.

I usually don't realize how competitive I really am so last Saturday's sports fest reminded how competitive I am. One of the games was basketball and the members in each team were coed. The rules were relaxed for the girls so I took advantage of that. I pushed and 'fouled' the guys because I knew there wouldn't be any consequences. I took advantage of being the supposedly weak female. So much for feminism and women empowerment. My girl team mates were as equally fierce and had good shots so the game was fun and exciting.

Haha. And we won! Not entirely on my efforts, lest you think otherwise. I just hustled a bit. But it was fun to see that side of me that I don't see too often. And I really don't want to see that too often because life is not a game and it's not always about winning.

2006-04-22T12:17:00.001+08:00

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

A window to my future

2006-04-20T11:48:00.000+08:00

It's amazing what a dress code, super cold air conditioned office and a single hour break can do to your brain. It's fun here--you get to edit articles, search the net and interview people through phone. We mostly sit around all day and afternoon, enriching our social awareness by reading the newspaper, articles in the net and learning current events.

I don't know. We don't do much but somehow I come home tired, hungry and drained. I get commute-sick from the bus and jeepney rides. And I can't seem to wake up on time therefore I always report late for work.

But being in the 'workplace' has given me a view of the world I will soon be part of. It's fun, it feels so independent. It will also be a nice break from constant studying and cramming. And I can't wait to feel how it's like to earn my own keep. But I guess I'm only saying this because I'm not really there - I'm not experiencing the real responsibilities and pressure.

But if there's one thing I know, I now understand why mama and papa are so irritated when they come home from work, why they want peace and quiet and why they like to eat nice things for dinner. When I have my own family, I will make my house a refuge and a place of comfort and peace. My house will be a place everyone will look forward to come home to.

I can't think of a title - sorry

2006-03-27T13:22:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be typing a three-paged paper for Zaffy right now. Three-paged paper is like nothing, considering all I have to do is to paraphrase my sources and copy the notes on my oral report. But somehow, I can't muster enough drive to do it.

I really want this sem to be over. Burn Out - that's me. I'm so tired I can't even think - which explains why I'm posting this, normally I wouldn't. Or if i would post something like this, I would find some metaphor to describe it. But now, well let's say- what are metaphors?

I lack good sleep, good food, and good rest. My eyebags are so deep and my eyes are bloodshot. I'm not playing the victim here, I'm just describing the situation. Haha.

Yes, as we learned in Speculative thought - Plato said that the eternal and divine things are what matters. But I say, how can you address those things when you can't take care of the physical and tangible? How can I be expected to contemplate my humanity and purpose, evaluate my being and be conceived with beauty when I don't even have the energy to get out of bed and the appetite to eat or the drive to write- the one thing in the world I think I'm good at?

Yes, I'm crappy. Everywhere I go, I have responsiblities, there is something expected of me. Not that I don't want that. I just need a break. Is that too much to ask for? I don't even have the time and energy to daydream anymore. Because I'm physically tired, I don't have the energy to deal with the important issues I'm facing. And I'm taking out my crap on everyone - even you, dearest reader.

I'm so tired and it's so oven-hot here in LB- all my neurons are literally dying, so forgive my incomprehensible babble.

I really need a vacation.

Spotlight

2006-03-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

Wala lang. Natapos na ang aking LB acting debut.Hahaha. Nararamdaman kong tinatawag na akong muli ng entablado. Salamat sa mga sumoporta. Sana hindi ito ang huli.

Smarty- pants

2006-02-22T23:44:00.002+08:00

Lately, I have been addicted to taking all sorts of personality tests on the internet. And whatever the test - whether its on personality, quality, aura or beauty - it always turns out that I'm confident in my intelligence. That my best quality is wit. That i tend to amaze people with my insights. You get the drift.

I don't have a problem with being smart. In fact, I love being smart. I know I'm smart. But I don't want it to be all I am. I want to be pretty and fun and kind and caring and honest and all that. yadda yadda. I really don't know why I'm blogging this.

Plain and simple?

2006-02-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

I feel so down and my energy is so low. And I don't know why. Weird.

Number one clue that something's up - I don't want to eat. Haha, that occurs only when I'm deeply super down(for very un-shallow reasons, I assure you) or super full. And in this case, it isn't the latter.
Number two clue - I don't want to do anything.
Number three clue - I'm not caring about the way I look. Now that's kinda disturbing. This from a person who lists all outfits to make sure she doesn't repeat an outfit within a two-week interval.

It could be an after shock of "Millior Dollar Baby". I watched it last night and I got so depressed. I even dreamt about it and it was the first thing that registered when I woke up. It was a really great movie, but it drags you downhill. I mean some movies are depressing but after you watch them something makes you want to be better. But "Million Dollar Baby" isn't one of those movies, it just left me in the pit.

It could also be that it's my 'time of the month". My hormones are probably going berserk.

It could be because the moon is changing faces. I'm becoming a LUNAtic.

Or maybe my stock of energy was used up because I was so unbelievably perky this past saturday. And we had a really fun but draining band practice yesterday.

Or I may be just lazy.

This tells you nothing is really plain and simple.

Incoming Steam Machine, watch out!

2006-02-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

Shamdja said that it seems I have a lot of hang ups. Well, I do but I believe my 'hang-ups' are justified. Let me enumerate.

1. I am annoyed by girls who make their boyfriends carry their hand bags or worse, shoulder bags - especially if the bag is in the color pink. It hurts my eyes. Girls have arms and hands don't they? It would be understandable it the bag was extremely heavy. So why? Please make me understand. Really, I would listen to an explanation.

2. I hate jeepneys who don't stop before pedestrian lanes. How many times have I experienced crossing the street and had some manic driver step frantically on the brakes? They even have the stupidity to honk so loud that my eardrums can definitely pop. Hello?! I'm crossing - I'm in the middle of the road - can't they see? Crazy drivers definitely merit my famous 180 degrees eye roll.

3. Why do some people post entire lyrics of a song on their blogs? It would be tolerable if it were just one song, however many of the blog posts consist of song lyrics. If I wanted lyrics, I would go to the lyrics search engine.

4. Irresponsible people who leave their trash lying around for others to pick up. I went to the Franklin Graham festival, an evangelistic event, last saturday. And when it was time to go home, I looked around and saw lots of plastic bags, bottles and containers lying around. There were lots of trash bags around, how much effort would it take to throw their trash in the proper place? And most of these people are Christians, how sad that we don't set the example.

5. Why do some people constantly nag you to make them a Friendster testimonial? Wouldn't they rather a person would take the initiative to say something nice about them? I am very picky when it comes to people I make testimonials for, so please don't nag me about it or I'm liable to say things just for the heck of getting the testimonial thing done and over with.

Ok, this seems to be a very angry post. I just had to let out steam. But really, I'm confused why people do these things. Humans can be crazy hehe :D including me.

Wait and work

2006-01-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

Yes, Lord. I am waiting. But could you give me something to do while I'm waiting, something else to focus my attention on? Like magazines in a waiting room. You see, I'm not good at this waiting thing.
I find it hard not to do anything to get what I want. It's hard. I guess I have trust issues. But we are fixing that, aren't we?

I know I'm waiting for the best. But this anxious feeling just won't go away, urging me to hurry things up, to settle for something less. But I'm learning to trust you. "Wait, wait, wait", You couldn't have been more clear about this. This is hard. But at the same time, it's good. I'm being molded.

Hay, waiting is hard work.

To Hope Once More

2006-01-25T22:22:00.000+08:00

According to my teacher in Business Writing, during the first telecast of the Pacquiao-Morales rematch, the Philippines had zero crime rate. I'm not sure if this information is accurate but I do believe that the crime rate during this particular time was extremely low. There was minimal traffic, no crowds at the malls and streets were literally empty.

I wasn't able to watch because I was in a meeting, but every so often, one of us would receive a text message updating us on the fight. The entire Philippines stopped just to watch Manny beat up Morales.

For at least a day, the Filipinos were united in one victory, in one "triumph" of our race. It just shows how the Filipinos really desire for some hero to lift us up from the muck we got ourselves stuck in. The Filipinos are tired of constant bickering, blaming and pure chaos. We are tired of being cynical about our government, society and the entire system.

We want to hope again. Even for a victory in a seemingly trivial boxing match.

Who is to blame?

2006-01-25T21:44:00.000+08:00

More than a week ago, I received a text message that a student in UPLB died of hazing during initiation rites of the APO fraternity. Soon the hype over his death began - news crew from different TV stations began covering the incident. Students were wearing white to show mourning. There was a candlelight ceremony for him. Graffiti against APO fraternity began appearing in different sites in the campus. He was suddenly a "hero" or a "celebrity" overnight.

Yes, we should ask for justice, justice for a life taken. It is sad that it had taken a life to realize the twisted way most UPLB organizations initiate their applicants. The org-oriented UPLB community needs to re-evaluate its view on samahan.

Not only was a life taken but many others were damaged. Marlon Villanueva's friends are devastated. Resident members of the fraternity face the threat of dismissal from the university or even imprisonment.

We should ask for justice but we should not take Marlon Villanueva to be a hero or an unwilling victim. Had he lived and survived the initiation, he would have participated the same vicious tradition. Justice should be served, but it should not stop at that. The entire destructive and violent cycle must be broken- or there will surely be another Marlon Villanueva.

* this post was inspired by the argument Sir Den gave regarding the issue.

2006-01-22T21:17:00.000+08:00

"I know it's late,I know you're weary
I know your plans don't include me "
- We've got tonight by Ronan Keating

Lion's mane and blue skies

2006-01-11T13:01:00.000+08:00

The sky has never been this blue in Los Baños since the not-so-new semester started. There are a few clouds in sights - hovering over Mt. Makiling. I am a lover of clouds for the very same obvious reasons other people like them - they're pretty, gives you shade from the sun, and provides amusement for hours. Besides, when there are heavy clouds, there will most probably be rain - my favorite weather.

Anyway, because of my love for clouds, I seldom have the opportunity to appreciate the clear blue sky. Well, today I do. There is something infinity-like with the clear sky. You can't seem to see where it ends and there are no clouds to distract you. I don't mean to include a realization to this entry. I'll just leave it at my newfound appreciation for clear blue skies.

>>>>
* those who haven't watched Narnia and plan to, spoilers ahead.

I've already watched The Chronicles of Narnia : The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Besides the fact that watching a movie at the Shang is an experience in itself, the movie was a surprise. I had apprehensions of course, since I've been a C.S. Lewis and Narnia fan since I was nine, I believe. But after crying at least a bucket, chuckling a lot and most of all thinking a lot, I'm verry happy with the movie.

It was very faithful, of course not a hundred percent faithful but faithful enough to put my heart to rest. It had very good casting, especially with the 4 Pevensies and the White Witch. A lot of the parts in the movie was exactly how I imagined it when I was reading it so just imagine my wonder and delight in seeing my imaginations materialize.

But best of all, the Aslan portrayal was very realistic and emotional. And the movie really highlighted Aslan's sacrifice and humiliation. When the ugly creatures shaved his mane, I was sobbing. To think that the King of Narnia being shamed and allowing himself to be 'mutilated and killed' for no apparent logical reason but sacrifice. Wow is the only word I can think of. And how grateful I am to my Saviour.

Bulalakaw

2005-12-15T22:10:00.000+08:00

Ang hirap mo namang abangan, mahirap abutan. Lahat na ng oras sinubukan ko na - umaga, tanghali, hapon, gabi, gabing gabi at hating gabi. Minsan maaga ako, minsan nahuhuli. Dati rati naman lagi tayong nagkakaabutan a, bakit ngayon lagi tayong nagkakasalisi?

Sinusubukan ko naman talaga. Nagkakataon lang na may mga pangyayari na hindi sakop ng aking kontrol. Tulad kanina, may nakasalubong akong taong hindi inaasahan. Napilitan lang ako. Nang makaalis na ako, wala ka na rin. Mukhang kakaaalis mo lang, nakakainis!

Para kang bulalakaw na inaabangan, hinihintay para sa isang sulyap lang. Hihintayin mo buong magdamag - kahit inaantok ka na - para sa isang saglit ng ligaya, para sa isang ngiti at pagbati mo. Pero pumikit lang akong saglit, dumaan ka na pala.

Putik sa Kuko

2005-12-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

Naalala ko lang na matagal na panahon na pala akong hindi nagsusulat sa Filipino dito sa blog ko. Hindi ko rin talaga alam ang dahilan. Parang binabalikan ko ata ang mga bagay na nakalimutan ko nang gawin - pangunahing halimbawa ang paggising ng maaga at maglakad.

Noong nakaraang biyernes nagkaroon ng unang finals ang LAYB at siyempre saan pa gaganapin kung hindi sa main library at hulaan niyo ang oras- 5 am! O diba? sobrang saya! At dahil dun naranasan ko na ulit ang gumising ng maaga, maligo habang nangangatog ang tuhod at maglakad na hinahangin ang buhok ng malamig na hangin.

Dahil din sa finals ng LAYB, naalala ko rin ang konsepto ng "Show don't tell" pagdating sa pagsusulat. Kung sa bagay di ko naman talagang nalimot yun, pansamantala lang nawala sa aking 'consciousness' haha ;)

At pagkatapos ng isang maulang finals, bumaba na kami ng main library para magbreakfast sa Mcdo. Ewan ko ba kung bakit naka-high-heels ako nung araw na yun at hirap na hirap akong maglakad dahil madulas ang konkreto dahil sa ulan.

Kaya naman noong umabot na kami sa banda ng Carabao Park, hinubad ko na ang aking sapatos at naglakad ng nakayapak. Ibang klaseng kalayaan ang pakiramdam ng semento sa talampakan ko, wala akong pakialam sa mga taong nakatingin o sa 'germs' na posible kong makuha. Parang katulad ng pakiramdam ko ng nagpaa ako sa maputik na 'landscape' ng Caliraya at ramdam na ramdam ko na sumusuot ang putik sa kuko ko at sa pagitan ng mga 'toes' (sorry di ko alam ang Filipino ng toes).

Masarap na hindi mo kailangang maging malinis at maayos sa lahat ng oras. Paminsan minsan masarap mag-paa at tumapak sa lupa, sa putik, sa semento. Masarap ang patak ng ulan sa buhok ko, sa damit at sa mukha. Masarap maging magulo at magulo habang wala kang pakialam.

Kaya lang nung malapit na kami sa tawiran, kailangan ko nang magsuot ng sapatos uli. Ayon. It was fun while it lasted. Sana maulit muli.

Halo-halong putahe ng utak ko

2005-11-24T22:43:00.000+08:00

My housemates and I discovered a new show to follow - as if we didn't have enough. The title is "Golden Bowl". It's about bowling partners who fall in love with each other. It's a Japanese imported show. The reason why we watch it is that the guy protagonist is so cute, promise. Yun lang, babaw no? Pero nagbibigay aliw at tuwa pagkatapos ng isang mahabang hapong pagpapanggap na isang huwarang mag-aaral.

************

At last, the first event of PANTAS under new core leadership is over. It would be a lie to say that it went without a hitch, but I, for one, am satisfied. I came late - bad example, I know. There were about ten orientees and they seemed very interested. It was great practice for my PR skills.

I'm glad for the dedicated PANTAS Readers for their support and work. I'm gald for the new core. I'm glad that PANTAS is moving - with new deadlines and pod meetings and all. And most of all, I'm grateful for Sir Dennis. Period. haha

I pray that we accomplish all our plans for this semester. I really do hope that through the efforts of PANTAS, LAYB and UPLB Writer's Club that Elbi would be come to appreciate and respect the craft of writing and reading and its social relevance. And that Elbi would be known as a campus of writers AND readers. Pero sana hindi lang to hanggang pangarap, sana mangyari nga.

*************

I attended a Sakbayan and ARREST sponsored symposium entitled "Sining sa Panahon ng Krisis". The speakers were practitioners of different forms of art: Dong Abay for music, Edward Perez for theater, I forgot who for photography and Kiri Dalena for alternative media.

I learned a lot about the struggle of artists who are not deemed by the media monopolies as profit-generating. As someone said in the forum, without money you have limited means to convey your message. This is quite disheartening as art can ignite the hearts of people to move and take action.

There was one point that was brought up: why do 'religious groups' prevail in UPLB? As this topic is discussed,I felt hostility in the air. It was as if these 'religious groups' were some sort enemies - in an indirect manner- of those who stand for social awareness and action.

As part of a Christian group, I beg to differ. It is not that Christians are so involved with 'heavenly' matters that they forget the world where they live in. Maybe we differ in our manner of social awareness and action.

It should not be that art and religion are like water and oil. I can use my art to glorify God and I can also use art to promote social issues. As Kiri Dalena pointed out - being 'religious' does not mean that you are apathetic towards society. Being a Christian does not neccesarily hinder one's duties as a citizen - except perhaps in some cases.

Anyway, the symposium ended with the UP song "UP Naming Mahal". In all my years in UP (three lang naman, hehe), I've never heard that song sung as heartfelt and sincere as it was that day. I really felt the lyrics of the song and as the last phrase was sung, "Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan" - pakiramdam ko sugo ako ng bayan at isang instrumento ng pagbabago.

UP Naming Mahal
Pamantasang Hirang
Ang himig namin,
sana'y inyong dinggin.
Malayong lupain
aming mang marating,
Di rin magbabago ang damdamin,
Di rin magbabago ang damdamin.

Luntian at Pula,
sagisag magpakailanman.
Ating pagdiwang
bulwagan ng dangal.
Humayo't itanghal
giting at tapang.
Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan,
Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan.

* sana tama yung lyrics

Children of My dreams

2005-11-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

I love it that my parents thought hard before they decided on our names. Ilia does not mean anything but 'Eirene' does. It means peace in Greek. They named me 'Eirene' because I was born in the same year as EDSA I.

My sister Karize's name means 'grace'. Khara's- my youngest sister- means 'joy'.

I always said that I'd return the favor when I had kids. My favorite name combinations as of today are:

1. Sophia Rebekah = Sophia- wisdom
Rebekah- bound
- this could mean bound to wisdom

2. Joel - God is willing

3. Raya Amaris= Raya- Female of Ray, wise protector
Amaris- Promised by God

4. I loved the name Dominique ever since I watched 'Charlotte Gray'. Dominique means 'Of God'.

5. I also like Julien and Genevieve but they must be pronounced in the French way. hehe

6. Sanyata - Beautiful

7. Maha - beautiful eyes; Sinta - beloved

8. I like Shasta - a boy character in Narnia. I like the sound. Its meaning 'three' though means absolutely nothing to me.

I believe that names are blessings, hopes and prayers. When I name my child, I will pray to God that my child will be true to his name. I'm looking for a name in a Filipino language that means 'Patience' as I have none of it and I wish my children to possess.

Hehe, wala lang - i just wanted to post this.

PS. i am a bit disheartened because I feel that I have no readers. I am trying desperately to convince myself that I'm writing for myself however I am desperately failing. haha.

Prayer

2005-11-13T21:43:00.000+08:00

Today is the International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church. When Pastor Efren preached today, my eyes were suddenly opened to a lot of things. (How apt since he works for an organization called Open Doors.)

I knew that there are countries that persecute Christians like China and North Korea but I didn't know there were that many - including Vietnam, Laos, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, Bhutan and Maldives and Somalia.

Pastor Efren showed as an informational video about three women who were in prison in Indonesia for sharing the gospel to Muslim children. I forgot their surnames but their firstnames were Rebekka, Eti and Ratna. They are still in prison. I was amazed at their strength and faith.

It's amazing how freedom can lead to being lukewarm. Here in the Philippine, everyone is free to go to whichever religion or non at all. But look where that has brought us - the Christians are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold. Not living out their faith. And that includes me.

I'm not saying that we should be persecuted or anything like that but I am just so amazed at people like those women who would put their lives on the line for Christ. I do want to really pray for them and I will. And I hope others will too.

I planned to put a prayer list here about different areas of the world that persecutes Christians but I forgot the leaflet in the car. I'll write it next week promise. But I hope if you read this and you want to pray for persecuted believers, please do. Every prayer helps and encourages them in ways you may never find out.

Also try checking out http://sb.od.org for more information about the needs of different countries.

My Coffee Love Affair

2005-11-08T20:57:00.000+08:00

I used to really hate coffee. I used to get nauseated by the smell of brewing coffee. I once was proud of the fact that I've never tasted coffee - ever. Then during one of our bull session nights, my church barkada represented by Matt dared me to drink a cup of Nescafe 3 in 1. And I am not one to back off a dare. So I drank it. That was my first cup.

During the first two years of college, I kept myself awake during all-nighter by drinking liters of Coke. I still refused to 'contaminate' my body with coffee. Though technically, caffeine in coffee and Coke is the same.

Then I met Kuya Rem, a coffeeholic. He introduced me to what he calls 'real coffee.' Suprisingly, I liked it, I never knew coffee had lots of different personalities. Since then, whenever my friends and I hang out at Mocha Blends, I began to experiment with my orders. But still, I maintained only strict acquaintance with coffee.

But, as with every love story, there is the turning point. Mine happened when we attended a seminar where the room was so cold, I had to cover my arms with the tablecloth. My saving grace was they served coffee and tea.

But because I abhored tea, I drank coffee to keep me warm AND awake. During that 9 am to 5 pm seminar, I drank six cups of coffee. I realized coffee was reliable - and so I decided to open up my life to coffee. We became friends.

We became so close that I couldn't imagine life without coffee. Coffee kept me company during nights when I had to stay awake to write papers. Coffee never failed to have breakfast with me and prepped me up for the day's activities. Coffee was there - together with Chocolate- when I became depressed.

And now I love coffee. I now share my love for coffee with other people. My friends and I even spend time with my new close friend coffee. I hope my love for you never fails - at least until I finish college.

2005-10-31T17:37:00.000+08:00

Early Christmas Wish List: Not necessarily according to importance
(Yah, I know super materialistic na - hayaan na, panagarap lang naman po)

1. World peace haha : )

2.10 Things I hate About You Soundtrack

3. A Canon digicam with at least 5.0 megapixels

4. A new Phone kahit 3315 lang, utang na loob.

5. To have privacy in our apartment in LB.

6. To be a University scholar this sem and the next- meaning my GWA should be 1.0- 1.45. O asa pa ako? That's why this is a WISH list.

7. Encantadia complete season DVD or something like that

8. Michael Buble, Jaimie Cullum, Orange and Lemons album

9. To meet Ebe Dancel of Sugarfree - oy feasible to a! ; )

10. Lotsa lotsa chocolate : )

11. Practicum in an ad agency

12. NARNIA movie!!!

13. Il Mare VCD

14. SLEEP

15. Bibingka

16. To see Hilda, Sandj and long lost friends wahehe

17. Maka-song lead man lang na walang mali

18. A laptop please I really need it. Papa, i hope you have a Friendster
account. I repeat - Your daughter needs a laptop ; )

19. New PANTAS folio

20. A whole new wardrobe- hindi yung kahoy a, yung laman ; )

21. To learn how to make a film.

22. For all my pictures currently residing in my room mate's hard disk to be printed

22. And...

I WISH YOU

would remeber

the reason

we celebrate Christmas -

JESUS.

2005-10-31T17:36:00.000+08:00

Whoa! I opened my email and 1046 unread messages. I'm so in demand!

I want to dream of you

2005-10-31T15:29:00.000+08:00

I miss you in my dreams. wonder why I don't dream of you anymore?

I'm tired of thinking of you in the 'real world' because when I do, I just browse through all the memories of our conversations and other interactions and I just make biased assumptions.

But in dreams, I'm made to believe that I'm in the real world, that WE are in the real world together even for just one REM cycle. And when I awake, the thrill of the dream still lingers and it still feels kinda true.

I'm not saying that I like you more in fantasy than in reality. It's just that I don't see enough of you in the real world. And I miss you.

i get me

2005-09-28T17:35:00.000+08:00

Some people have been complaining about my stagnant posting in my blog. It's not that i'm super busy, but that i don't have much to write about or so i think. For the past few months i have written very little save those needed for academic and Pantas requirements. I don't really know the reason, i may be just lazy. Or probably, i don't think as much as before.

My birthday has come and gone. I'm another year older. But i don't feel any different. If anything, i feel more insignificant because vital people in my life forgot to greet me on my birthday. I'm that forgettable? When i look back on the past 19 years of my life, i'm disheartened because i don't think i have done anything much. It seems to me that i might have passed by unnoticed.

Don't take me wrong, i'm not depressed neither am i suicidal. i'm not in a crisis either, i just feel i should do more, nay, DO more. not to say that 'good works' will get me anywhere. i know the purpose of my life, i'm just too lazy. really.

*I just remembered, i don't write on important occasions. When i read my past journals, there are no entries during my birthdays, Christmas, or special events.

I've also realized something during this month. Last year, some people persuaded me that i was a pessimist, that i was misundertsood and i have few kindred spririts. And i imbibed that attitude, i really believed that people don't get me. I believed i was moody and pessimistic.
But when i got away from their presence and control, i find that i'm not what they have made me believe.

I'm a perky person, i'm crazy, i'm an optimist, i'm cheerful when i want to be, i dont have the typical artist-temperament ( as some people like to project. Earth to you! That kind of temperament does not become anyone) and i have lots of kindred spirits. Yes, i do have my dark moods but they are as easily flushed away like poop in a toilet bowl. Yes, some people don't get me, but do i always get other people?

I don't want to be with people who suck my energy and pull me in their misery. It's one thing to be miserable and depressing, it's another when you contaminate others :) I'm still their friend, i'm there when they need me. But i want space first, space to know myself once more so that when i face them again, i can stand my ground. i won't let them shape me, i won't let them empty me out. That kind of submission i only give to God.

From the boob tube to our living room

2005-09-02T20:41:00.000+08:00

I know it's stupid to get all worked up over a TV show - a fantastic TV show at that. I'm quickly becoming an Encantadia addict, speaking of which I have to hurry up typing because i might not catch it.

I'm very bothered by Alena's anger. She wants to kill Danaya because Danaya kill her son without knowing Khalil was Alena's son. She challenged Danaya to a duel. I just can't believe that she would be that angry- angry enough to kill her own sister. And now she's joining forces with Perena. Hope for recovering Lireo seems faint.

And because I was so affected by this episode, I shouted at my sister who was asking about electives in the BACA curriculum. I was more irritated because when I explained that FRESHMEN don't get electives, she kept insisting. I got irritated and dismissed her words because I could not concentrate on the show. She walked out and slammed the bedroom door.

Danaya and Alena all over again.

Magsanib

2005-08-29T16:56:00.000+08:00

The party that i voted for this recent UPLB elections lost. Probably because the other party had better PR. Or maybe a large number of freshmen were swayed by their approachable demeanor. And maybe because many in LB are apathetic students - skeptical of any change and have hardened their hearts and minds.

Whatever the reason, the election is over. The votes have been counted. Tinimbang kayo ngunit kulang. Tapos na. Ang magagawa na lang ngayon ay tanggapin. Tanggapin. Tanggapin.

Granted that the winners are not that qualified for their positions. Granted that they lack knowledge, awareness and experience. That is exactly why they need your help. They will certainly benefit from your experinece. Aalalay naman. Sana hindi porket sa 'kabila' sila hindi na tutulungan. Yan ang dahilan kung bakit di tayo umaasenso.

One problem with politics is when our party loses, we immediately assume that the other party's term will be rotten and that no reform would be achieved. Why not give them a chance? I do believe that their willingness to serve is genuine. Why not help them achieve common goals? Instead of one group doing one thing and the other another thing, there will be much strenght if we are united in our goals.

If principles are not parellel, then continue to do what you believe is right but not at the expense of binary opposition between the two parties. Agree to disagree. Nakakapagod na rin ang kampihan. Kung iba ang pokus ng dalawa, e di sige. Kung iba ang pamamaraan, o di sige. Pero tama na ang bangayan. Wala yang mapapala. Sa halip, maghanap na lang ng magkaparehang hangad. At huwag sasabihing wala. Dahil imposibleng wala. Kung pareho niyong gustong maglingkod, siguradong may pagkakapareha.

Acceptance is one key. Any protest will only be a cause for more division in the campus. That's the price we pay for democracy. The people have chosen and though we may not like who they voted for, we must accept it.
If they really want to serve the people of UPLB, i think that they should accept the people's decision and offer their support, help, advice and manpower to the elected officials. Why not? Show that even if you are not in an official position you still want to help and serve under an authority you did not choose. Show that you are not sore losers. Show that you will continue to help students despite this loss.

The same goes for the winning party. Acceptance. Accept that you lack knowledge, awareness and most of all EXPERIENCE. Seek help from those who have been in position for a long time. Ask for their suggestion and advice because they have long served the UPLB constituents. Follow their example and bring social awareness and pro-activism back to the campus.
Dapat matapos na yung 'kabila syndrome.' Kung totoong gusto nating tumulong at maglingkod sa mga tao, isangtabi muna natin ang mga di pagkakaintindihan at mga pansariling 'group interest'. Magtulungan. Yan ang kailangan ng Los Baños. Hindi namin kailangang ng nagbabangayang grupo. At lalong hindi rin namin kailangan ng mga opisyal na nagmamagaling. Pare-pareho kayong may kakayahan.Mas magaling ang iba sa ibang gawin. mas mahina ang iba. E di, complement each other. Yun lang naman ang suggestion ko.

PS> Please forgive the code switching and code mixing.

Hungry Thieves

2005-08-22T18:40:00.000+08:00

i had breakfast at Mcdo this morning. A treat for myself, since i'm saving my money. Which reminds me - i had money to buy that long coveted yellow top at Bayo and when i went there yesterday, it wasn't there! Aargh! It was a mallwide sale and maybe they just brought out old stocks. i wish.

I forgot that we would be watching a film for my PSY 101 class so i brought my readings to breakfast. I bought an apple pie for take out.

We watched a documentary film by Ditsi Carolina. It followed the lives of three boys who were in jail in Cebu. The entire film was in Cebuano, i'm not all that certain. It had English subtitles.

The boys' ages were about eleven years. They had to fend for themselves. One was not even visited by his parents. Tony, one of the boys, had at least three tatooes - at age eleven. Two of them were rugby sniffers. And they were serving time for stealing. They said they stole to ease the hunger. Their parents weren't able to provide for them.

i wasn't even aware that kids that young go to jail. i thought there were some institution where they would get welfare and be rehabilitated. as i was watching the film, i kept thinking about my youngest sister. Although, the kids were boys, i couldn't help but remember my sister and the relatively luxurious life she leads compared to the kids in jail.

The film was aptly titled "Bunso" or "The Youngest". It won an award at Cannes.

The film had an epilogue. Bunso and Tony both died. Bunso had an accident. Tony acquired a heart illness due to his drug use. Diosel, the other boy, does not want to study anymore. i shed tears for them and for myself. Tears for their lives and tears of gratefulness for mine.

Ditsi Carolina said that we could write letters to the congress and the powers that be so that this situation would be brought to attention. And perhaps, it will result in the passing of the juvenile bill. i think i'll do just that.

The apple pie i bought was flattened and cold after the film.

Kindred

2005-08-03T21:53:00.000+08:00

Miss ko na si Kimi. Sobra, grabe, as in, ultimate!

Wala na akong instant na kasama kumain kung saan man, basta kung nag-crave ako hila ko siya.
Walang taong bilib sa akin gaya ni Kimi.

Ang kanyang ngiti hinahanap ko.

Wala na akong kasamang manood ng mushy movies.
Mag- kwentuhan sa HM bus pauwi sa San Juan at pagtawanan ang nonsensical movies na pinapalabas sa bus.

Wala ng sasama sakin na mag-pacheck-up sa infirmary pag namamaga ang tonsils ko.
Walang manlilibre sakin ng chocolate.

Wala akong kasama na umupo lang. Basta lang, umupo lang.

Wala ng magdidiscuss sakin ng importance ng leaves of the trees sa forest preservation. Wala ng mag-gush about her forestry subject na for reasons unknown to me ay kinatutuwaan niya.

Walang magreremind sa aking quiet time.
Walang magshe-share sakin ng daily bible reflections niya.

Nabawasan na naman ako ng kindred spirit. Bat ngayon ko lang napansin?

Naubo ako

2005-07-29T12:48:00.000+08:00

Galing sa IRRI walk, bumaba ako sa Vega dahil magloload ako sa Sun sim ko. Wala - sarado pa rin. Umupo na lang ako dun sa tapat ng Dunkin' Donuts. Inaantok na ako. Binasa ko ang readings ko sa PSY 101, baka magpa-quiz si ma'am.

Muntik na akong makatulog. Buti na lang may sumigaw na bata. Nagising ako. Tinapos ko ang pagbabasa ng readings. May umupo na matandang lalaki na naninigarilyo. Literal na 'head in the clouds' siya dahil sa ulo niya nagsasayaw ang usok.

Bigla niyang tinapon ang halos kalahati pang sirarilyo. Bakit kaya? Napansin ko na may tumabi sa kanyang mga bata. A, kaya pala. Commendable, Lolo. Pero mas commendable sana kung itigil niyo na lang po ang paninigarilyo.

Break your routine

2005-07-24T22:21:00.000+08:00

i survived a 10 am to 11:30 pm workshop. It wasn't the same workshop format i was used to, but i will cherish the experience.

i still don't know what was worse - the comments or the food. The serving intervals didn't give my stomach time to digest.

i learned a lot more about my classmates as we all dream to be 'creative' writers. The panelists reiterated advice i have already learned: show don't tell, brevity and economy of words and sincerity. i could use some reminding. Rather, a lot of reminding.

i need to learn more on how to 'read' texts. And learn the skill of seeing beyond the surface level as our panelists have. asteeg.

i think i'm somewhat repressed. When my peers managed to share about deaths in their families, hatred towards their mothers, break-ups and betrayal, i just shared the clumsiest moment of my life. Is that all there is to my writing?

......

This is the first complete weekend i spent in Elbi. i wasn't used to waking up on a Sunday morning in a different bed and climate. i miss our family's Sunday lunches. i miss our church's pews.

i miss my Sundays.

i attended church in LB for the first time. i praised God with people i really didn't know, aside from banana and ate miks. But it didn't matter, as the song says:

In our hearts we're undivided
worshipping one Saviour, one Lord

It doesn't matter
where - you could be in a bathroom, field, bed or under a tree,
with whom - strangers, acquaintances and friends or alone,
or how- you could dance, shout, sing, cry, lift your hands, write even.
What matters is your heart.
That you worship Him in spirit and in truth.

The Nose is a Precious Organ

2005-07-13T18:00:00.000+08:00

i can't breathe.

Properly, that is. It seems as if my nostrils is caked with blood a milimeter thick. I prefer dripping snot rather than being actually afraid to breathe because of the pain.

i thank God that the jeepney driver last night took a left turn ang brought me straight home without detours. i wouldn't have made it otherwise. A carpenter chose to live in my head for an indefinite period of time. He is hardworking- doesn't stop hammering, sawing and pounding. But i don't have the power to evict him. He's like Kipling's Cat who walks by himself.

Also special mention to Mamino who lent me money so that i can buy medicine. O, diba? Parang telenovela o episode sa 'Wish Ko Lang'.

For about two weeks, i had ignorantly wished to be confined in a hospital so that my crush would visit me. Yeah, i'm that shallow. i take it all back. i want to be a 'normal' person again - not having to drink Gatorade at all times and drinking Amoxycillin and Paracetamol every so often hours.

Plus, i seemed to have lost all skill in venting frustrations because whatever that emotion or feeling was, it chose to manifest itself physically and made my condition worse. You make me sick. Literally.

Charlie and the factory of hang-ups

2005-07-03T21:17:00.000+08:00

Ok medyo naaasar na ako ngayon. Yeah, the reasons are shallow, so all the more the need to magnify hang-ups.

1. Scheduled Maintenance ng Friendster ngayon. Just when i really needed the software to send someone a really important message. Ok, not so important but vital to my peace of mind.

2. Some people. No explanation needed. Those who know, you know ;>

3. It seems that all my long- distance friends are incognito right now. No one is replying to my messages and no one is answering my phone calls. One is even pretending to be constantly out of the house, avoiding me probably. So much for communication is the key to a great relationship.

4. i have a grand total of 60 pesos in my wallet. Thank you, Lord, for loving housemates who shared with me rice and yummy adobo : ) i seem to have my priorities distorted because i have no money for food yet i can afford a twenty per hour internet connection service. hehe, the need to purge far outweighs the cry of hunger.

5. i did not have any form of interaction with Willy Wonka. He left early with Matilda. Yeah, the same Matilda who knows how much i like Willy. The same Matilda who teases me non-stop while living out my dream of being super close friends with Willy Wonka- yes, just close friends, if something more evolves, i'm not one to complain : )

All i wanted was to be really close friends with Willy Wonka and learn the secrets of his trade and maybe someday be the heir to his marvelous chocolate factory, hehe. Chocolate lover to the end! Some desires are not meant to be fulfilled. We're between acquaintances and friends- i could settle for that ; >

6. i cannot find Vicky's blog anywhere, i looked at all the possible blogs that could contain his link. Nada. Oh well, maybe another day. I miss him and Ricky. Hope they visit Elbi sooon. Btw, blog hopping led me to madame raya's final(?) blog post. Sad.

Ok, the magnifying glasses come off right about now. hehe. Back to the real world where i have to read 'Phases of Cultural Domination', fix my clothes and bed sheets, and prepare a speech worthy of Dr. Legaspi's praises.

Ang mapagsiil na utang na loob

2005-06-27T22:27:00.000+08:00

Sa aming pag-aaral ng sikolohiyang Pilipino, sinuri namin ang mga magaganda at nakasasamang katangian ng mga Pilipino. Lumabas ang mga halata ng katangian: pakikisama, nepotism, katamaran, masiyahin at iba pa. At may napansin ako, tila ata nakikita natin ang 'utang na loob' bilang isang di kanais-nais na katangian, isang hadlang sa ating pag-asenso.

Marahil dala na rin ito ng pangit nitong manipestasyon gaya ng nepotismo nga raw. Pero sa tingin ko ang utang na loob ay isang magandang katangian na likas na sa Pinoy.

Ang pagtanaw ng utang na loob ay parang panghabangbuhay na pasasalamat. Ito ay aksyon o mga aksyon na dulot ng lugod mo sa pagtulong sa iyo ng iyong kapwa. Malaking bagay sa iyo ang nagawa niya kaya naman habang ikaw ay nabubuhay nais mo rin siyang tulungan sa paraang kaya mo.

Isa pang kagandahan ng utang na loob ay hindi ito madaling isinusumbat. Isa ka ng kamuhi-muhing nilalang kapag nabansagan kang 'walang utang na loob.' Lalong masakit kung galing ito sa ating mga magulang sapagkat sa kanila natin utang ang maraming bagay at karanasan na humubog sa atin bilang tao.

Ngunit, gaya ng maraming katangian, maaari rin itong makasama sa indibidwal o sa lipunan kung sobra sobra. Minsan, maaari ng maging pabigat ang sinasabing 'utang na loob' lalo na kung sa iyong palagay ay hindi mo ito masusuklian kaya naman palagi na itong bumabagabag sa iyo.

Dapat naman siguro ay piliin natin ang mga tulong na pagtatanawan ng utang na loob. Kung pinahiram ka ng piso, hindi naman siguro kailangan na tulungan mo siyang magnakaw kung hingin niya sa hinaharap. Ang utang na loob ay hindi na utang na loob kung ito'y hindi kusa, kung ito'y naging simpleng obligasyon.

Huwag naman nating pahirapan ang ating mga sarili sa pagsubok na suklian ang tulong habang buhay. Kadalasan tayo lamang ang nagpapatong ng sarili nating pabigat. Ang mga taong tumutulong nang mula sa puso ay hindi malupit maningil- kung naniningil man.

I am so full of myself

2005-06-10T14:27:00.000+08:00

i am no linguist. But i just realized that English is a conceited language. C'mon, the word 'I' is always in capital. It seems as if that it's the most important word in the language. In filipino, 'ako' is in the same size as 'ikaw', 'kami' o 'sila'- i think signifying 'pagkapantay-pantay at pakikisama.

i mean, what's the deal? In the English language 'I' always come first. 'I' have to be happy first. I, I, I. Does my welfare always have to come first? So now, i'm using a small letter 'i' for my blog entries. It's going to take a lot of getting use to. Old habits die hard.

But i'm still capitalizing it on my class papers or else i'll probably fail.

Papa's daughter

2005-06-10T14:09:00.000+08:00

i'm beginning to think that i may be a disappointment to my father.

Firstly, i don't speak fluent Fukien so i won't be able to talk to his business colleges and impress them with my impeccable Fukien or Mandarin for that matter. Having a Filipino mother will always mean that we are second class citizens in the Chinese community.

Next, i don't even look Chinese. I'm brown-skinned- tan, if you want it to sound classy. My eyes are big. And i'm not a beauty so i can't be arranged to marry any of his friends' sons.

Thirdly, i have absolutely no interest in business whatsoever. i'm enrolled in a course that doesn't deal with management or finance. i thank God he did not force anything on me and allowed me to make my own choice, but still the question hangs: who will take care of the business? i'd like to think i'm artistic and a people person. And though he says that both qualities are important in a businessman or business woman in my case, i just don't like my life to be governed by money, interestm, principal and all that economics and management stuff (he also often tells me not to use the word 'stuff' because it implies that i am not articulate).

And most important reason of all, i am a WOMAN. Even if he doesn't at all mention it. i know that he dreams of a son to walk in his footsteps. People always ask ' no boys?' and he'll answer 'i was blessed with three Marias'. i know he loves us but in Chinese and Filipino cultures an eldest son is always a great asset.

Recently, he took us to the plant that recycles old boxes and paper. He sort of oversees it. i know he wants us to know the ropes. i do want to please my Papa and continue his legacy. So i'm cancelling my devcom 30 course and taking management101 instead.

BROWNOUT

2005-05-19T22:39:00.000+08:00

Dumidikit sa balat
na basa ng malagkit na pawis
ang puting blusa.

Sa kisame naglalaro
ang mga anino
na binigyang buhay
ng matabang kandila.

Kumakaluskos sa banig
ang mga kuting;
ang mga iyak nito
nagbibigay diin
sa di-mapagkatiwalaang katahimikan.

Potters and Parasites

2005-05-19T22:02:00.000+08:00

As I was on the bus to Elbi, I was missing home. That was a first. Since my stay in Elbi, I never had homesickness, much less on the bus. I viewed my 'visit' to Elbi as a business visit.

When the familiar fast food chains, stores and shops came to view, I felt weird. As if I were a stranger, I didn't belong. Even familiar faces failed to make me feel at home. Elbi used to be my refuge, what happened?

It seemed as if Elbi has seeped the very blood of my veins, my passions, desires, thoughts, everything. It knows me, I have nothing to hide. I became its nourishment. Elbi feeds from the people who loves it.

And now, I feel I had no more to give. Here, I blend in the crowd, with the people I mingle with. Sometimes, I am amazed how different I am- how I act, think, speak- in different circles. I have let Elbi, its people, create a mold for me that I comfortably fit in. Kinakain na ako ng Los Baños. Instead of me owning the place, Elbi has began to own me, control me and at times manipulate me.

Sophia, a character in CSI Vegas said, DNA is what you are, Identity is who you are and it never stops changing. The mold I belong in Elbi seemingly gave me freedom and liberty. But I don't want to conform to the mold anymore because I'm not sure I want to be what Elbi is shaping me to be. I belong to the Potter and I am His clay.

Beezy Summah!

2005-04-19T18:49:00.000+08:00

To my few but loyal fans,

Pardon the continuous disappointment whenever you peek into my blog and no new posts greet you. Not my fault, we don't have internet connection in our currently being- renovated home. I had to ask a favor from my aunt so that I could contact my beloved followers who are thirsty for some news from me. I also had a feeling that there would be an abundance of letters for me in my e-mail account. I was right- 267 messages.

I missed and will be missing a lot of events this summer- the layb workshop, pantas meeting, an old friend visiting in Manila (she informed me through email, guess what happened),my friends' graduation and a lot more.

But this summer has been 'productive'. This is one summer that I didn't just lie around in my pigsty of a room. I taught (aka babysitted) kids in our church's Daily Vacation Bible School (DVBS). It was so fun, the kids were cute, inquisitive and insightful plus they weren't resistant to my kisses and hugs. : ) And it was a bit of nostalgic when my friends and I reminisced about our DVBS days and we realized we were working with our past teachers. And so our generation steps up.

I also helped smart-aleck kids how to cook. The plus side- I get o eat yummy stuff; the down side- I have to get up early.

I earned new friends and I get to spend a lot of time with my pianist crush because I'm part of the youth music ministry in our church. I get to serve the Lord, develop my talent and have fun.

I'm also learning how to play the guitar and it hurts my fingers. As of the moment I know 2 kiddie songs, hihi ; )

I'm reading a lot of great stuff from poems to essays. I read Gloria Steinem's essay about what would happen if women win (I forgot the title), and it was very enlightening. I'm all for women's rights but I used to think that Feminists don't take men's struggles into consideration. Well, Steinem proved me wrong. Unless, I didn't get her message. Uh, oh!

And I read William Faulkner's "A Rose for Emily" and Thornton Wilder's 'The Long Christmas Dinner". I'm trying to be Ludmilla again, reading for the sake of reading and not for academic analysis- though that's not so bad. I have to be Lotaria again when school days come rolling by.

My summer's pretty much scheduled. And I love it, I have things to do and I get to anticipate it. I love schedules. I'm a busy bee this summer.

Ok. That's for my update. Didn't have enough juice to make it creative. Fans, I hope you aren't too disappointed.

Better days

2005-03-21T13:38:00.000+08:00

For reasons unknown even to my conscious self, I seem to have lost my taste for friendster surveys and blogging about stuff in my blah life. Does this mean that I don't have anything interesting to write about? Or have I lost passion? I don't know.

Or is it because the things that are currently bothering my already confused brain are the things that shouldn't be discussed in such a public place as a blog? Perhaps. Even worse, I can't dicuss these things even with my closest friends. So I'm to deal with it alone. Let's see how well I do.

As the song playing in digdig now says, "Be patient, and you'll get to better days." Somehow I can't hear that song without Elay's image flashing in my mind :D

So, until then, until I see you again during better days.

2005-03-03T11:57:00.000+08:00

O February,

You have passed by so quickly. Like a sudden blast of wind. As you blow your last kiss, the dirt stings my eyes and and your breath ruffles my hair. I try to recover my ground but I am left baffled, disoriented.

For twenty eight days, your breeze blurred reality. The dirt you blew in my eyes left me blinded for a while, feeling my way through. Tears welled up in my eyes, creating a sort of mist- keeping certainty unveiled. But in uncertainty there is hope. Every moment a wonderful possibility. That's what you gave me, February.

But now the year has given birth to your sister, March. She gave me a gift- she removed the dirt. Now I can see that I've been so misled. I never knew hope could be deceitful. Or maybe I blame others too much. I should blame me, my illusions.

O March,

You took away Esperanza, my unlikely friend. She now looks at me with contempt. To take her place, you introduced me to Verdad, bitter Verdad. In time, I may learn to love Verdad. But let me weep, let me grieve for my Esperanza. Let me slowly loosen my fingers from Esperanza's clutch. Only then can I offer Verdad a handshake.

And when Verdad becomes dear to my heart, your sister April may take him away too. I might as well stop cherishing friends if the children of the year keep taking them away.

O April,

What will you give me? May your gift bring a cheery smile to uplift my weary heart.

Nagpapanggap na hardinera

2005-02-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

Nakita kita sa gilid ng sidewalk, nalalanta. Pinulot kita. Hindi naman ako hardinera, pero tinanim kita ulit, diniligan, inalagaan. Kinakausap pa nga kita araw-araw. Hindi kita pinabayaan. Umaasa akong isang araw makita kong ngumiti sa akin ang mga bulaklak mo o kahit kumaway lang ang mga dahon mo. Gusto na kitang makilala.

Pero isang araw nang puntahan kita para diligan, may nauna na sa akin. Kinakausap ka rin niya gaya ko. Kinabukas inagahan ko ang pagpunta ko sayo para maunahan ko siya. Pero wala na akong nadatnan. Hinanap kita. Hinanap ko siya.

Nagkabungguan kami isang araw at tinanong ko siya kung nakita ka niya. Sabi niya inilipat ka daw niya ng pwesto kasi sa maling lupa kita itinanim. Kaya daw hindi ka tumutubo. Sinamahan niya akong bisitahin ka. Laking gulat ko, nakangiti na ang mga bulaklak mo at kumakaway na rin ang mga dahon mo. Pero ang mga kaway at ngiti ay di para sa akin.

Hahayaan na lang ba kitang lumago sa kamay ng iba?

Tabloid

2005-02-21T15:08:00.000+08:00

Very surprised to find out Sydney Bristow (Jen Garner in Alias) has a very lovely half-sister who looks nothing like her. I've been reading the episode guides since I can't watch because we have no TV here in LB. I'm amazed how far behind I am, I'm not that bothered though, as I would have been when I was an intense, avid Alias fan.

I was intrigued by Nadia Santos (the said half-sister) and it turns out she's being played by Mia Maestro- the gorgeous Argentine actress who played Salma Hayek's sister in both Frida and In the Time of the Butterflies. Cool. I have to watch her in action. But why cast her is a puzzle. She looks South American but her parents in the show don't. Arvin Sloane is caucasian and Irina Derevko is Russian. Hmmm. Hope that future episodes justify this.

And it turns out that they've killed my favorite character, Irina Derevko, Sydney's mother, played by beautifully wrinkled Lena Olin. Huhu, sad but I doubt she'll stay dead long ;D

I just watch Alias now because I love watching Jennifer Garner play Sydney. Wonder how she did in Elektra? Elektra, they said, was no improvement over Daredevil.

As long as we're on the topic of show business. I'm glad that Natalie Portman won the Golden Globe for best supporting actress. I've been a fan since Anywhere but Here and The Phantom Menace. I'm eager to watch Closer and see how well she does. I'm also curious to find out the character of Alice, whom she plays in the movie, as Natalie is known for being picky about choosing roles.

Thus ends my tabloid-entertainment-writer-like post.

Thanksgiving

2005-02-21T14:41:00.000+08:00

Due to the loss of my pink, banig-look-alike wallet, I couldn't afford an internet connection. As a result, my email inbox is loaded, I haven't posted a single survey on Friendster (achievement according to bananaducky) and my last blog post was on Feb. 14.

At present I owe at least seven people money. I love them all. Especially Dragonesa- mwah mwah! Thanks to you, I didn't starve last week.

Nevertheless, last week was lotsa fun. I felt like I didn't have a care in the world. Staying up late, just hanging out at the fair and waking up before sunrise for the IRRI walk was tiring yet energizing. But I have spent much time on play and now work is catching up on me.

My eating pattern was also disturbed. I was eating lunch at 5pm and dinner at 11 pm. Blit-blit said that erratic eating habits can cause delay of the monthly period. Hmmm.

Losing pink, banig wallet had more strenous consequences. I had no idea applying for a new ID was so much work. Huhu. On the brighter side, my ID will look much better (hopefully), though more costly.

I'm sleepy- I haven't had two hours of sleep thanks to the BAFTA Awards. Still, very happy. :D Rejoice in the Lord always.

Red itch

2005-02-14T17:58:00.000+08:00

Last night, I recieved my first guitar lesson from my mom. I now know A, E, D. I still have problems with shifting though. My fingers hurt.

>>>>>>>>

My favorite color is red. But this is one time of the year I am actually ashamed of wearing red. I did wear red today, just for an hour because my Math teacher gave extra points to anyone in red.

I had actually contemplated for half an hour to make that decision. Would wearing red for an hour be a compromise of my 'principle' ( oooh, strong word :D)?

When I walked out the compound, I saw a LOT of people wearing red. I was ashamed to be counted as 'one of them'. Conformist- as my housemate said. After my class, I was itching to change.

Feats

2005-02-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

Whooohooo! Great achievements for the week:

1. I slept at 1 am last night and set my alarm at 4:35 so I can be on time for our early morning walk. I must have turned off the alarm because I woke up at 5:07. Thank goodness, I woke up. I sat for a minute calculating the time I would spend bathing and fixing up. I almost decided not to get up. Thankfully, I did.

This morning was one of the greatest mornings of the year 2005. Since monday, I have been waking up at 5 am but this morning was the first time I wanted to. The morning was beautiful. I liked walking at early morning with my hair wet. It had a 'head-and-shoulder's-mentol' effect. Cool and soothing.

The view was refreshing after spending 10 hours in front of a computer. 'Luscious vegetation' as my former prof in NASC 2 would say. I was anticipating the sunrise, too bad the clouds hid it.

This was also the first time in many days that I have been able to contemplate and evaluate. No further comments.

2. I had a REAL breakfast. It was composed of: fried rice, scrambled egg with tomatoes, corned beef, orange juice and cake. All for just 65 pesos. I was so full, I didn't eat lunch.

3. I slept. At last. Although, the waking up part wasn't too good because someone turned off the fan and I was covered from the neck down with my comforter. Very icky, sticky feeling.

4. THE PANTAS LAUNCHING.

Weird. This event was the reason why I blogged in the first place and now I have nothing to write. Go figure.

Anyway, I got through the poetry reading part. All the essential people were present. The food was great (though I didn't particularly 'loved' mine because by the time my order arrived I was craving for something else). The music was okay. Sir A.'s and Queen's 'speeches' were touching and insightful.

But most of all, the company was great. From the making of the centerpieces to the entire duration of the launching, I got to know the Pantas people a little more.

Kinda sad that some of them will be leaving next sem :C

But the passion continues.

It'll turn up

2005-02-08T13:44:00.000+08:00

One of the things I have left to remind me of my best friend Alexandra (AKA 'Sandj') is her beige ponytail. She is now studying in Siliman University and I'm in UPLB. I remember that the only reason I chose UPLB for a second campus was because she chose it as her first campus. I figured since she was way smarter than I am, she'd pass in her first choice of campus and I'd pass in my second choice and we'd be happy together. We had chosen the same course and we planned to live together . Basically, we planned our lives TOGETHER.

But I was wrong. I passed, she didn't. Our paths reached a crossroad and we were forced to take different paths. We email each other once in a while, text each other once in a while and call each other once in a while. Everything once in a while.

The first time she went back to Manila was during our first sembreak as college students. She even visited LB and I gave her a 'grand' tour. It was during this time I borrowed the said beige ponytail. I failed t return it in time for her return to Dumaguete.

I love wearing the ponytail on my wrist. It goes everywhere I go. It's my favorite ponytail. At times I would lose it and I'd go frantic searching only to find it under my bed or in the laundry basket. In time, I learned not to panic when I lose it. It will turn up, somewhere. Just like Sandj, she'll call sometime, she'll text sometime and once in a while I'll receive an email from her.

I'm wearing the ponytail on my wrist today. I can foresee I'm going to have a rough day. I hold the ponytail. I can almost hear Sandj say, "O, calm down ha. One step at a time." I hold the ponytail. I miss my best friend. I miss Sandj.

Wrong side of the bed

2005-02-08T13:21:00.000+08:00

I slept or should I say napped at Kimi's house last night because I needed a computer. I slept at 3:30 am, the last thing I remember was Gar and Candy and Pepe and Goyo. I woke up at 5:05 to finish my ENG 101 paper, a novel review on Carlos Bulosan's "All the Conspirators". I typed about two pages worth of thoughts before I decided to go back to sleep.

I woke up again at 7:20 and added about two paragraphs to my paper then I crawled back to bed. I wanted to sleep but I was struggling not to because I had a class at 8:30 and I still hadn't taken a bath or a shower or whatever you wanna call it. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." I fell asleep.

I woke up for the final time at 8:30. I didn't go to class. I went back to the computer and typed another page. Then I took a bath. Now I have to figure out when to finish the remaining three pages of my paper. I should be doing it NOW. What is wrong with me?

.................

The BACA people told me that Dr. 'Avalanche' looked for me in class today. She asked Joanne if I was dropping the subject. Hello? This is the first time I was absent from her class. What is wrong with her?

>>>>>>>

The sun is high and its rays sting. Thankfully, the wind is happy and is dancing with my hair. I feel like a shampoo commercial model :D Then I felt big wet blobs on my skin. What? It's drizzling? What is wrong with the weather?

Goodness, what is wrong with the world?

Sige aalis na kami, wag mo lang kami batuhin

2005-02-04T16:59:00.000+08:00

Alas kwatro na ako ng umaga nakauwi kagabi.

Pagkatapos ng prod, kumain kami sa K.A. Nag-internet sa Digdig pagkatapos, mga hanggang 12 am. Umuwi sa bahay. nagbihis na nga ako at ready na matulog. Kaya lang dumating si Anna, Keno at Paul. Ba at hyper na hyper ang tatlo at gusto mag-chika to sawa. Ok lang naman sakin. E marami pa naman akong ipong laway. Kaya lang binato ni June ng tsinelas ang pintuan ng kwarto niya. Senyales na napaka-ingay namin. Nagbihis ako at lumabas kami kahit di namin alam ang pupuntahan.

Naglalakad na kami at nandun na sa may Cafe Maquiling, nang may namasdan kaming tila kilala namin. Nyak! Ang choir pala kasama ni Mam Amy. Ayun nagsama sama kami sa pagdadaldal at paglalakad hanggang sa umabot ng kami sa may junction sa paglalakad. Kumain sila sa Big Mak. Di ako bumili. Busog pa ako nun.

At sa pagkwentuhan, nalaman ko na si James pala ay tumutula kaya naman niyaya namin siya sa L.A.Y.B. Sana nga makasama siya. Speaking of Layb, miss ko na si Sir dums.

Tinamad na kaming maglakad ulit kaya nag-antay kami ng dyip. E kaso, 48 years naman. Ang tagal so naglakad uli. Nauna kami ni Banans dahil iihi pa siya sa Binalot. Yun pala nakasakay ng dyip ang mga kasama namin. Buti na lang napansin nila Keno at Paul na missing in action kami.

Hinatid muna nila ako sa bahay. pagdating ko inayos ko ang gamit ko sa lamesa dahil may multa pag may kalat. Tapos ginising si Caty Bucu na nakahiga sa kama ko. Humiga na ako at sinet ang alarm ng 7:30. Buti mabilis lang ako maligo. 8:00 ang math 11 ko bukas. Kailangang pumasok at baka 60% uli ang grade ko sa pre-fi.

BACAhan

2005-02-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

Tapos na rin ang produksyon ng Tilamsik ng Dugo. Masaya dahil tapos na ang pagdanak ng pawis at luha, mababawasan na rin ang mga gabi ng pagpupuyat, makakain na rin sa tamang oras at makakapagconcentrate na sa ibang subjects.

Pero malungkot din ako. Mamimiss ko si Ate Elay, Ate Madz at Ate Meg. Nakakamiss na magkaroon ng dahilan para mangarag. Nakakamis ang pag-ethnic (kaya itutuly ko pa rin), hindi ko na maririnig ang mga naka-aantig pusong kanta ng choir, di ko na makikita ang nakaka-indak na sayaw ng dancers, di ko na muling makikita ang panunulsi ni Noraisa, mamimiss ko ang pagpinta sa mukha ng choir at manood ng lahat ng shows at pansinin ang sablay ng performers.

Ngunit ang pinakanakakamiss ay ang samahan ng kapwa Comm Arts- ang mga nakakaintindi sa paghihirap na pinagdadaanan ng kapwa BACA sa gitna ng utak-syensya sa UPLB, ang mga may puso para sa sining. Nakakamiss ang pagiging 'barracks' ng bahay namin- tulugan ng walang matutuluyan. Mahilig kasi kami mag-ampon.

Aantayin ko na lang pag nagpracticum na ako.

Broken Vow ( I know, I know)

2005-01-31T15:09:00.000+08:00

What can I do to make you love me
What can i do to make you care
What can I do to make you love me
What can i say to make you feel this
What can I do to make you care
What can i do to get you there
What can I say to make you feel this

What can I do to get you there

There's only so much i can take
There's only so much I can take
And i just got to let go
And I just got to let go
And who knows i might feel better, yeah
And who knows I might feel better, yeah
If i don't try and i don't hope
If I don't try and I don't hope

I broke my vow not to text or call him for a month. One problem comes up and off to the phone I go. I wish he didn't know me so well. I wish we weren't such good friends. I wish he didn't say all that crap. I wish, I wish.

Then I can make believe that it would be so much easier to let go, to move on.

I'll try not to hope.

I extended my vow to two months.

60%

2005-01-31T14:43:00.000+08:00

Last thursday, we had our Math 11 midterms. I was convinced I failed so I spent an hour trashing our apartment, then computing my expected grades then planning my life if I indeed failed.

I wasn't praying that I pass. I prayed that God help me accept whatever the result was.

Monday morning 8 am. Moment of truth
Ilia Uy Math 11 B
60%

I couldn't have possibly jumped in the classroom, but if I could, I would have.
I promise to practice math thrice a week.
I hope I keep it.

Dirty ice cream

2005-01-30T21:40:00.000+08:00

Kanina, kumain kami sa labas ng pamilya ko. Pagkatapos ay pumunta sa Virra Mall para bumili ng ballpen- YOKA .5, ang tanging ballpen na ginagamit ko- sa National Bookstore. Ngunit, nagsara na nga pala ang Virra Mall. Pumunta naman kami sa Megamall para lang bumili ng ballpen. At sa kasaklapan, walang .5 na YOKA. Kainis! napilitan tuloy akong bumili ng ballpen na hindi ko feel ang sulat. Haay, poor substitute.

Umuwi na kami sa bahay. At aming nadiskubre na wala pala kaming susing dala. Kailangan pa naming balikan ang tatay ko sa Greenhills. At dahil dadaaan na rin lang kami doon, naisipan kong sunduin si **** na kasabay kong umuwi ng Los Baños. Pero may problema. Hindi kami kasya lahat sa sasakyan. E ano pa nga ba ang magagawa namin? Lumabas kami ng kapatid kong bunso sa kotse at nag-antay sa may gate ng bahay namin. Nag-init talaga ang ulo ko, literal dahil mainit ang sikat ng araw, alas dos yun ng hapon. Figurative, dahil galit na ako.

May narinig ang kapatid ko na tunog ng bell ng mamang sorbetero. Nilibre ako ng kapatid ko- mangga at avocado ang flavor. Kahit papano nalamigan ang dila ko. Ang sarap talaga ng 'dirty ice cream'. At nung naubos ko na ang apa, dumating na ang kotse at nakapasok na kami sa bahay.

Interesting

2005-01-30T21:17:00.000+08:00

I used to really hate ambiguity. It leaves you hanging in the dark. You're left analyzing every single detail just to find out what's really the deal. And you desperately wish for a certainty, any certainty even if it hurts. It couldn't possibly be more painful than not knowing, right?

Well, I got my wish. Now I'm pretty sure we are just friends and I like it that way. But why do I want to go back to being ambiguous? Because ambiguity is interesting, it's the spice of life. Certainty is pretty boring.

Pick me up when I fall

2005-01-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

I am alone. My housemates are out- watching a concert. I don't know why I'm at the internet cafe when I don't have money anymore. Well, whatever. I just watched "In the time of the butterflies", a biopic of the Mirabal sisters who fought against the Dominican Republic's dictator, General Trujillo. It was an aftershock of last night's earthquake. I am reminded once more that though revolutionaries have a lot of passion and strength, it can only get you far enough. When you fall, you need others to help you stand up. As John Lennon said, "I get by with a little help from ny friends" or something to that effect (sorry i don't remember the exact quote). Anyway, I'm glad I have great friends.

When all else fail, would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me
- Same ground Kitche Nadal

Where my hope lies

2005-01-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

Great is thy faithfulness, O God, my Father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassios they fail not
As Thou has been didst forever wilt be

I finally saw them for what they really are. I had once thought that they were the 'enlighted ones', that they who question everything see everything in a new perspective. Yes, that they do. But I also see hopelessness. Loneliness. Because they put their hope in this world. In a world that will inevitably perish. Me, I put my hope in God.

Namiss kita

2005-01-17T23:14:00.000+08:00

Nagtext sakin ang aking mahal na kapatid. Naayos na raw ang TV namin. Yehey! Nasira ko kasi yung TV nung Christmas vacation, sinaksak ko ng walang transformer. Ang saya ng bakasyon, walang telebisyon. Napilitan akong aliwin ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng pagbabasa at pakikinig ng musika. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong gawin ang mga iyon, namimiss ko lang talaga ang mga pinanonood ko sa TV- lalo na ang Starting Over. Nagtext nga kanina si Mam Amy na nag-graduate na daw sa Starting Over house si Amy. Hay. Paborito ko pa naman yun, di ko man lang nasubaybayan ang improvement niya. Di bale, ayos na nga yung TV, bawi na lang ako.

I thought.

2005-01-16T21:36:00.001+08:00

When I was fifteen, I thought I was old. I thought I knew everything.

"I used to think I had the answers to everything."- I can't believe I'm quoting Britney :D

I thought I had experienced everything worth experiencing and I honestly thought that I was mature enough to be in a relationship- even marriage.

I also thought that my parents were big know-it-alls dictating how I should view life. I though they were condescending. I thought that I was such an intellectual and that my opinion matters- that if you, unfortunately, did not hear it, you missed half your life.

Now, all I know is 'that I know nothing'. Well, not completely nothing, but still nothing.

I also know that I am young, that I still have much to learn and much to see.

I revel in being young, being invincible. I delight in the fact that I still feel that I can take on the world, though I know the feeling will fade with time. I am glad that I am still relatively naive, that I am not yet cynical.

I am young. I have just a few responsibilities, learning included. I have no family to feed. I have all my time to myself.

I am still soft clay, ready to be molded. The people I meet, places I see, stuff I learn will leave permanent imprints. Anne (of Green Gables) said that when you're twenty, your character will be more or less shaped. Well, I'll be twenty in two years and I doubt the molding will stop.

Here I am, my Lord, my Potter. Mold me.

Sa wakas

2005-01-16T21:19:00.000+08:00

Hay salamat. May blog na rin si Ilia. Hihi :D I was just searching for the perfect name. Looks like I found one that suits me nicely.